There I was about to take my first ever bungee jump.
My mate shouted, "Do you feel like a bird?"
"This isn't a good time," I replied. "Buy her a drink and tell her I'll meet her in the pub later."

My local Fish 'n' Chip had a notice outside saying: "We'll Batter Anything For You".
So I gave them my wife.

I gave my German friend to the count of three to explain himself for the lack of moisture in his spaghetti...
I said, "Heinz, why dry?"

I've just opened a clinic in London for men with persistent thrush problems.
I'm going to call it 'Yeast Enders'

I walked into a library and asked the librarian for a book on absence.
Unfortunately they were all out.

I recently got banned from driving my Ford because of dangerous driving.
I just couldn't keep my focus

Decimals have a point.

I for one,will be 42 soon.

If the next Dr Who is female, will she be Dr Whoover?

After my walk from pole to pole i thought to myself,
"i should employ more british workers"

I couldn't decide whether to start a career at the sperm bank, or in telecommunications.
So I compromised and got a job at Siemen's.

I can't wait to stay in the brand new hotel I've just booked for my holiday, but I'm worried it won't live up to its billing.
I've definitely got my reservations.

The wife gave me five attempts to make an anagram out of 'Ultimate Pen'.
I did it with my 'Penultimate' effort

I've just bought a polystyrene door.
Twenty quid, you can't knock it.

The tips of my feet have been asleep for weeks, I'm really worried about them.
I think they're coma toes.

I went out on the town with my Thesauras Enthusiasts Club last night.
We coated the large village scarlet.

The landlord collapsed while I was standing at the bar the other night and someone shouted that I should check his vital signs.
Thankfully the 'Fire Exit' and the 'No Smoking' one were still there.

They say that all roads lead to Rome.
Imagine my disappointment when I tried to take a shortcut on the M25.

I got canned from work at the juice factory because I couldn't concentrate.

I've lived in Chester for years but i'm still a die hard City fan.
Like I say, you can take the man out of Manchester...
Oh, hang on.

I remember growing up, dad left and mum had to sell her body just to feed us.
You'd be surprised how much a healthy kidney fetches on the blackmarket.

When people say 'He's an unsavoury character', doesn't that mean he's sweet?

They say you should always dress for the job you want.
But I'm having a hard time figuring out how to dress like a blow.

BBC News: Kate Middleton may provide a boost to the Royal Family.
Doesn't she know the Queen likes Double Deckers?

I'm still not sure how I feel about that Poets and Criminals club meeting.
It had some prose and cons.