Wordplay Joke

I've been described as an apathetic coward.
I'm afraid I couldn't care less.

Wordplay Joke

My wife has just told me she wants to tie the knot.
Which is great! I had no idea she was into S&M

Wordplay Joke

There was a french homeless man down my local high street who claimed for a quid we could see the "biggest shoe"
complete con man, I ended up walking off aggrieved with a poor quality magazine

Wordplay Joke

When I couldn't remember the name of the dog in The Wizard Of Oz, my wife started giving me clues.
I soon put To and to together.

Wordplay Joke

What's wrapped in aluminium foil and hangs around the cathedral?
The lunchpack of Notre Dame

Wordplay Joke

Sleep is a great thing. You'll never tire of it.

Wordplay Joke

Police have been called to an accident involving an ice cream van,
A spokesman said " we may have to cone the area off ".

Wordplay Joke

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. Can't believe the currant exchange rate!

Wordplay Joke

Pakis.
Putting the ''how?'' into shower.

Wordplay Joke

Being 22 stone in this hot weather is like being Michael Jackson.
Im always very close to a 3ft Fan.

Wordplay Joke

What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.

Wordplay Joke

My electric toothbrush came with the warning "Do not charge while turned on or battery may explode".
I don't get why charging my toothbrush while brandishing a raging hard-on is going to cause an explosion.

Wordplay Joke

My Mum is a top international finance lawyer.
That's why she's gone to Iceland

Wordplay Joke

Be careful when taking sleeping pills.
You don't want to accidentally overdoze.

Wordplay Joke

I came third at the National Tanning Championships.
I got bronze.

Wordplay Joke

I got arrested the other day for vandalising the axioms of mathematics.
I got let off though, nothing could be proved...

Wordplay Joke

I met a smelly goose the other day.
It honked.

Wordplay Joke

My wife wants me to be more tender.
She attacked me with a meat hammer.

Wordplay Joke

I got arrested today for having smelly feet..
It was the last two pieces of the corpse I still had to dispose of.

Wordplay Joke

I've invented a new board game that combines chess, Connect4 and Battleships.
It's called Rook, Line and Sinker.

Wordplay Joke

I was messing around with my mate at the pottery factory yesterday and we got locked in the kiln.
The boss fired us both.

Wordplay Joke

While over here touring Great Britain, the Pope is hoping to visit a few Catteries around the country, because he really loves cats.
I suppose you could say he's a Catholic.

Wordplay Joke

This gypsy lady came up to me today.
She said "I'm selling heather, are you interested?"
I said "Sure, how old is she?"

Wordplay Joke

I've just bought a rocking horse.
It's a pony with Parkinson's.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a man with a pole down his trousers?
Rodney