I was walking down the street and a driver pulled over and asked me if I knew where Effingham was.
Was" Next to the effing bacon" the wrong answer?
It's great to see people of all faiths getting behind the royal wedding.
I just overheard a group of young Muslim men walking towards Westminster Abbey saying how they can't wait for the signal so they can really toast the happy couple.
A bloke down the pub said he was once locked up for dismembering someone. So I asked,
"You mean sectioned?"
"Yes", he said, "I pulled his arms and legs off."
What do you get if you cross a bridge with a car?
To the other side.
I left school at 12, and loved it.
All of the other schools didn't finish until 3:30
Thom Yorke told in an interview how his new smartphone keeps checking itself for viruses and malware.
He said it's a paranoid android.
I've had to make a lot of sacrifices to become ruler of the Aztecs.
I just looked up the word "Indescribable" - ironically it's a describing word.
My granddad bet me I couldn't break his walking stick in under 5 minutes.
So I snapped it in two
They see me Rowling, they hatin'
My friend said to me the other day,
"Patches aren't helping me kick my addiction at all."
I said "To smoking?"
If a girl is on her period, it lends a whole new meaning to the phrase 'blood, sweat and tears'.
BBC News: Man attacked outside Edinburgh's Karma Nights club
Apparently he had it coming.
Statistics is a mean subject.
I've just phoned up the roller disco to tell them I'll be late for my interview but it sounds like I've got the job anyway so I think I'll take my time.
The guy told me to get my skates on.
She met up with Daz as she enjoys a Cillit Bang but only if he wears Rubber Gloves. She began to Bounce up and down on his Mr Muscle but like Flash in a pan he's done his Fairy Liquid.
He tries to Comfort her and makes a Pledge to give a Bold show next time.
"Cif i care, you don't give One Sheet, why don't you just Vanish!..." she says angrily
Within a Jiffy she has to Duck as it turns into Domestos violence.
Apologies. My posts about planking may have caused a fence.
For some unknown reason, my wife is still angry at me for showering naked on our wedding day.
And anyway, confetti is not nearly as effective as water.
Do witches run spell checkers?
If you've graduated from medical school, you deserve to treat yourself.
I asked my girlfriend if she was up for doing some role play.
"Okay, I'm so excited, this is our first time! Who do you wanna be?"
"Well, I like being the Orc, I dont like being an Elf" I said as I loaded up Elder Scrolls.
I went to the tobacconist at the end of the cul-de-sac. But he wasn't open.
Close but no cigar.
I've been trying to climb the ladder at work for about a year now, maybe I'm just not cut out to be a fireman.
I realised today I had turned into my parents.
Though to be fair, they didn't look before reversing out of their drive.
My teeth are so ugly I glued them
to the inside if my lips.
I can't bare them.