I really hate my job at the french cheese factory,
I camembert it anymore.
Woke up this morning feeling like a cat.
YOLNT.
I was walking past the Olympic Park today at Stratford and a bloke came up to me and said "Where are the Para's mate?".
"I think you will find they wont be starting untill the 29th August" I replied.
"Really, I thought they were doing the security now" He smirked.
Cleanliness is next to godliness, which must mean I'm an ethnic deity.
I said to my friend: 'I need a place to stay'
He said: 'Well, If you want you can crash at my place'
So I drove my car through the front of his house.
I said to my friend: 'I need a place to stay'
He said: 'Well, If you want you can crash at my place'
So I drove my car through the front of his house.
I'm not saying my son's a born pedant, but even as a young child, he would play correct-the-dots.
All the big supermarkets are set to bring out a budget bikini this summer.
It's no frills.
My mate's just been fined 1000 for repeatedly ignoring warnings from the council about Noise pollution.
He thinks it's unfair but to be honest, I think it was a sound conviction
My friend was thinking of becoming a comedian, so I told him the best place to start telling his jokes was the local brothel.
Because They always go down well there!
If you're a Frenchman in the bedroom, then what are you in the bathroom?
European.
I was in a football match the other day.
"It's a draw!" Shouted the ref, as a wooden piece of furniture got hurled onto the pitch.
My friend says the word 'history' hundreds of times a day.
He's not weird or anything; history just has a habit of repeating itself.
On a scale of 1-100 how inappropriote are you?
69.
I discipline my kids by using military tactics.
They're promised sweets which I don't give them.
Its called "Choc and Awww!"
Last week, I stole a probiotic yoghurt from my roommate's supply. Ever since, I've had yoghurt pots tapping at my window in the dead of night. Last time I mess with the Yakult!
A friendly midget working in the crematorium?
That's a nice little urner.
To reflect on the number of divas in the squad, Mourinho has just announced they're changing their name to L'Oreal Madrid.
As natural disasters go, that tsunami was a bit of a washout
Sky News: President Obama has signed a post-war agreement with President Karzai during an unannounced visit to Afghanistan
Karzai's going to be gutted when he receives a condom and a dodgy letter through his mail.
How did the Welshman cross the swamp full of alligators?
Caerphilly.
I knew I should have taken that fork in the road.
Just seen a sign saying there's a dip ahead.
I've managed to find a way to communicate with carbonated water.
It's a super accomplishment soda speak.
Just finished my first shift as a croupier at a casino.
Dealt with everything quite well.
My grandad recently died in a garden incident
He kicked the bucket