My girlfriend finished me because I wasn't a morning person.
I said, 'Well, at the end of the day...'

'If you're repeating a gag from a comic...'
Please guys, never steal someone else's gag. Just last week someone stole one of mine and I was absolutely furious!
My new one doesn't block out my daughter's screams nearly as well!

I lost my father last week.
I'm sure he'll turn up somewhere though

I bought a sound system today and just like all other it has 2 speakers.
What a stereotype...

BBC NEWS - Electric car subsidy spared cuts by government.
But how will the cars run if they aren't charged?

Last night me and my mate did karaoke on my new tv,
Sam sung.

I don't see what the big deal is. Meerkats all look the same to me.

I am Loaded.
Why are my pages stuck together?

Went for a historical walk in town today.
Didn't find it funny at all.

I asked my mate to guess the score between Silkeborg IF and AC Horsens.
"Is it finished?" he asked
"Na, its Danish" I replied

I've set up a cheap liposuction service from the wooden hut in my back garden. It's open to anyone who wants to shed a few pounds.

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that anorexic sunbathers have been a bit thin on the ground this year?

I can count on one hand how many fingers I have on one hand.

if you suffer from schizophrenia and bipolar disorder at the same time, does that mean you are Mental ?

Since losing my memory I've been wandering..

Irony is the feel of an ironed shirt.

I once knew a girl who wore her bra so tight that she started to think she was a man
eventually she completely forgot she was ever a girl
Her therapist says she has repressed mammaries.

Apparently,some drug abusers are experts in meths.

I've alway thought that M&S would be a different store if Mr. Spencer had his initial first.

It's in the field of auto-eroticism that I come into my own.

I've just started a sewing machine choir.
Got a great bunch of singers.

I woke up to find Beyonce naked in my bed, and thought.......
No one will ever know, they'll think I've just planted flowers.

Land fill is rubbish.

The local mafia Godfather has taken up taxidermy.
He's made me an otter I can't refuse.

I feel sorry for zero. It'll never amount to anything.