My ex-wife was shouting and screaming at me to open the door yesterday, but I instructed the undertaker to continue the burial.

I joined a cage fighting club this week. It was rather a let down when I found out I was actually fighting people.

I was recently hired as an auctioneer.
The company said "We think you have a lot to offer"

What do you call a cat with three ears.
A muscat. Surely you've heard of the three muscat ears.

Left alone at the nursery, I was pretty quick off the mark,
and on to Jack, then Mikey.

LFC News: 'Carroll will remember elbow'
Well, it would be tragic if he left one of them behind.

Just paid 40 for a new T shirt
It's rubbish,
It wont hold boiling water
I think I'll stick with my Tea pot.

I'm at the age now where I fancy a wee nightcap before bedtime.
I don't think all the urine is too good for me though.

I'm a campaigner for just ice for the inuit people.

Whilst beating your wife make sure to add splashes of milk to ensure a fluffy consistency throughout.

Whether you're being genuine or not, if you ask a pretty girl how she is, you have to do it like Joey!

Why are Scandinavian people better at swimming?
They use Finns.

I'll admit I've never been the biggest fan of the NHS.
But when I recently had a labotomy on the NHS it totally changed my mind.

In my profession I've handled many Alzheimer's cases.
They usually misplace them here at the airport.

My wife was depressed and crying because I never take her out anymore.
I told her to get dressed and I would take her to dinner.
She's still upset, I don't know why.
She didn't even finish her 'Happy Meal'.

The other night i told my flat mate off for making such a huge racket, As it wont fit in my tennis bag.

My father and I strongly believe the world would be better off without clichs.
Like father, like son.

I really put myself on the map at work yesterday.
I never was serious enough to be a cartographer.

I'm part of a project trying to make rugby a more difficult sport.
We're really raising the bar.

I was helping my old nan clean the rubbish out of her house.
I asked her, "Where's the bin go nan?"
She replied, "Mecca, down the high street son."

I was at the snooker club earlier, was playing a game until i put my self in an awkward position for a tough brown.
Unfortunately i got kicked out the club before i could start wiping.

Just had a really refreshing slush puppy.
Took me ages to get it into the blender but it was worth it in the end.

Apparently lawyers lose most of their cases at Heathrow.

I'm very happy with my golf handicap.
I know it's a strangename, but Volkswagen do make a quality car.

A book. A book.
Everyone says it's extremely difficult and takes shed loads of research.
But I wrote two in under 10 seconds.