Wordplay Joke

So I bought this DVD and in the 'extras' it said 'deleted scenes', So I went to have a look and there was nothing there..

Wordplay Joke

Sometimes you just have to take stock and admit you can't make your own gravy.

Wordplay Joke

My son made it to the final of the model railway championships.
Unfortunately he lost it on points.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said, "Let's celebrate New Year with a bang".
I said, "Yeah OK, as long as mine is with your sister"

Wordplay Joke

Smoked some weed earlier.
Emptied a round from my Magnum into some skinny kid down the gym.

Wordplay Joke

When my wife found out I'd cheated on her she hit the roof.
She's never been a good shot.

Wordplay Joke

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is so unrealistic.
Everybody knows you need a flux capacitor to travel through time.

Wordplay Joke

When I heard someone had found my headphones I was so happy, it was like music to my ears.

Wordplay Joke

My mate works in a jam factory and recently fell into a vat of it.
He was berried up to his neck

Wordplay Joke

I've just been to present my pitch to the Dragons' Den.
But apparently the tent has already been invented.

Wordplay Joke

A friend of mine had a terrible accident at work today.
He fell into a huge Tank of Coagulated Milk.
He's in a really Bad Whey.

Wordplay Joke

I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the spirit of my former girlfriend materialise at the foot of my bed.
I was utterly terrified, I just didn't ex spectre.

Wordplay Joke

I thought I saw Bruce Willis yesterday - except he was twice as tall and wide...
must've been his body double

Wordplay Joke

What do you get when you cross a Greek with an Indian?
Popadopadopadoms.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said, "I'm sick of these strange looks you keep giving me"
Which shattered my confidence as her personal stylist.

Wordplay Joke

The Police gave me a ticket today...
The concert wasn't the same without Sting.

Wordplay Joke

I've just been caught out by my wife ,
She's getting good in the slips .

Wordplay Joke

This nurse friend of mine had a fit when I told her that I popped a
boil that I had. She said, "you can die of complications."
Personally, I don't see what all the pus is all about.

Wordplay Joke

Even though my boss told me "Don't lose heart", I realise that I have.
Which is bad, considering that I'm an organ donor courier.

Wordplay Joke

My wife hates the fact that I'm a backseat driver.
I think she should be impressed that I can manage a full golf swing in the back of a Fiat Punto.

Wordplay Joke

I went from acting to a job at Gregg's Bakery.
I've filled a variety of rolls

Wordplay Joke

Off to a show next weekend.
Don't know whether to choose Hamlet or Cats.
To be or not tabby.

Wordplay Joke

I was going to post a joke about U-boats but I just couldn't find a subcategory.

Wordplay Joke

Noise, the silent killer.

Wordplay Joke

I was showing my mate my painted living room then said, "What do you think of it?"
He said, "You'll need another coat."
So I went and grabbed a jacket and said, "What do you think of it?"