Wordplay Joke

Gave up Whale-watching.
Couldn't see the porpoise.

Wordplay Joke

I never set out to be a shoplifter, I just picked things up as I went along.

Wordplay Joke

Just asked the wife if it's alright for me to go fishing.
"Get real!" she replied.
I've taken that as a yes.

Wordplay Joke

A clock with a mirror?
Time for reflection.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend can't leave the house without putting her face on...
She hasn't been the same since that acid attack.

Wordplay Joke

I had a trial for Man Utd but because of a red card in my first match they didn't sign me.
Fergie said I shouldn't have given it to Giggs.

Wordplay Joke

Policeman pulled me over, said I was going too fast.
So I took him to dinner first.

Wordplay Joke

I bought a cordless keyboard on ebay.
It only lets you play one note at a time.

Wordplay Joke

I see in the news that cereals are being grown using human waste as fertilizer. I did wonder. When I put milk on my Rice Krispies this morning they went "splat, dribble and plop".

Wordplay Joke

What's 6 inches long and likes a good pound?
A piggy bank.

Wordplay Joke

My local cinema has decided to combat obesity by selling bags of nuts instead of sweets.
They call it "Pecan Mix"

Wordplay Joke

I never knew what true happiness was until I got married.
Then it was too late.

Wordplay Joke

My wife's a particle physicist.
Yup, there's no dust round our house.

Wordplay Joke

What do you get if you cross a Immigrant and a naked person?
An Asylum Streaker.

Wordplay Joke

I was speaking to a girl in a bar last night when I commented that I'm just like a sword.
"Is it because you're so long?" she asked.
"No"
"Is it because you're dashing?"
"No"
"Then how are you like a sword?"
"Because I'm going to rapier".

Wordplay Joke

I was playing scrabble with my wife.
I said, "You've got B O".
She said, "Stop looking at my tiles".
I said, "I wasn't"

Wordplay Joke

The lift doors in a hotel open and a beautiful woman runs out. She hurries over to the reception desk and says to the man: "Excuse me, I'm in a dreadful rush, could you please check me out?"
The receptionist looks her up and down and says: "Not bad. Not bad at all."

Wordplay Joke

I can't help it. Everytime I take a girl to bed, I end up stabbing her in the eyes.
And Mum's always told me off for my ffffing and blinding.

Wordplay Joke

Violence is never the answer.
Unless the question is "What's an anagram of Noel vice?"

Wordplay Joke

Rock and roll has torn my family apart. My parents died in an avalanche.

Wordplay Joke

I thought my girlfriend was hiding something in her computer so I hacked into it.
I feel a bit silly now as I only found a bunch of wires and a few circuit boards.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call it when someone murders another person?
Homicide.
What do you call it when someone murders a king?
Regicide.
What do you call it when someone completely murders music?
Brokencyde.

Wordplay Joke

My wife told me that she was fed up with me sitting around the house and that I should get a trade.
So I swapped her for a stripper.

Wordplay Joke

I had a letter through the post saying my census is outstanding...
How they can judge how good it is when I haven't sent it off yet.

Wordplay Joke

Whats square and hairy?
A pubic cube.