I hate that vain person staring at me in the mirror.

I had to give a talk about adhesives today. I was really nervous, but I managed to hold it together.

I've got yet another job after having ten different ones this year.
It's at a local sperm bank.... I take it as they come.

Q. What do my wife's thighs and a lamp shop have in common?
A. Sell you light.

My Wife told me she had breast cancer today.
I was Tickled Pink.

I wish I stopped being able to get erections sooner. I keep overhearing my wife telling all her friends how important I am now!!! Don't know why they think being important is funny?

I came home the other night to find my husband in bed with a model.
It's been two days now and there's still balsa wood stuck to the covers.

What do you call a rapper with a good art collection on display?
Exhibit

I just walked past Marigold Alley alonside the River Thames.
It was spotless.

I've heard the news of Tiger Woods crash was told to the media by a little birdie..

Ambiguity: Its a choice.

What we say, and what we actually mean.
lol = I didn't smile but I do appreciate the humour of the event in question.
rofl = I smiled a tiny bit, and I also made a strange noise from my nose.
lmao = I smiled, and made that strange noise again, this time in a higher pitch.
omgroflmao = I actually laughed.

When I was a boy I had a pet snake, one day he slithered off and never came back, I cried for weeks.
Was I sentimental when I got re-united with him 15 years later?
I was choked.

I've been trying to book a hospital appointment for my spinal arthritis but my doctor keeps holding me back.

Where did the electrician go after work?
Ohm.

I accidentally smashed my cat's skull today.
It appears my bathroom isn't as big as i thought it was.

No one on Sickipedia seems to like my philosophy-themed wordplay.
Well you're all just a bunch of Kants.

Luggage sales trends are determined using case studies.

Most people love mathematical proofs, but I theor-um.

Is it unusual to 1009 up numbers and their equivalent Roman numerals?

Switzerland Vs Spain great game for the neutrals.

Sun cream can help prevent skin cancer.
It's a matter of factor.

I was at a party with a friend when I noticed an ex across the room.
"I dated her for a while."
"Past tense?"
"Yeah, and the present's pretty awkward, too."

The Met Police Force:
What a Cop Out.

BBC News: "Hurricane Higgins Dies Of Throat Cancer"
Old snooker players never die.
They just take a long rest.