Lemonade:
Giving help to unfortunate lemons

I'm a pretty good Ventriloquist.
Even though I say so myself.

I hate to point fingers, but somebody stuck my hand in this pencil sharpener.

I made a stiff drink when I came in from work last night.
Bad idea, it just dribbled out of her mouth.

If everyone is unique, don't we all have something in common?

I saw the most attractive audio technician the other day..
He was a pretty sound guy.

I dropped my laptop off the side of a boat the other day.
It's a Dell, rolling in the deep.

My county council has banned all carnivals in the area until further notice.
It's so unfair.

I met my wife at a tea dance for arthritis sufferers.
It was during the tango that we really clicked .

When's the only time a woman really wants the company of a bloke?
When he owns it.

My window cleaner never knocks on my door in the evenings demanding money.
It just sits in the cupboard under the sink.

Mountaineering is ok, up to a point.

My old man is always saying that theres no time like the present.
I think he knows about the watch Ive got him for his birthday.

Whats the collective term for a group of black fathers?
Coco Pops.

My wife said to me, 'I bet you wouldn't bat an eyelid if I talked about leaving you.'
So I smacked her in the face with my baseball bat.

What's hairy and blessed?
Brian.

BBC News: Miners & children trapped down a mine in china
seems as though we have a case of 'anything you can do we can do better'

I'm about to release a new type of broom.
Hopefully it will sweep the nation.

There are two secrets to life, let me tell you what they are.
1. Don't tell anyone everything you know...

I'm really starting to get the hang of suicide.

I just bought some second hand binoculars for 300. The bloke must have seen me coming a mile off!

I've got a smart phone.
Unlike me, it didn't get married.

12 female soldiers have got pregnant in Afghanistan.
It's a scandal our troops don't have the proper protection.

I literally can't find the words to tell you how poor my vocabulary is.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch:
Small town, but it's made a huge name for itself.