Wordplay Joke

Apparently a Jewish woman has thrown out a mattress that was stuffed with $1,000,000.
No wonder they are all looking down in the dumps.

Wordplay Joke

I haven't slept in days!
Good thing I can sleep at night.

Wordplay Joke

I found out my wife was seeing other men.
Stabbing her in the eyes soon put a stop to that.

Wordplay Joke

Some reports came in last night about an illegal child peep show...
I'll look into it.

Wordplay Joke

Don't you just hate it when you and a mate wear the same fragrance.
Joop-licate.

Wordplay Joke

I held the door open for a beautiful young woman earlier today and said, "After you my dear."
I was really proud of myself.
She said, "Ahhh, thank-you. It's not often you find such a gentleman in today's World."
I replied, "Oh nonsense! No no no no, what I meant was... I'm after you."

Wordplay Joke

I want to thank my mate, who looked up "Agglomeration" for me in the dictionary.
It means a lot.

Wordplay Joke

After his 9.58 seconds 100m finish, many claimed Usain Bolt had used performance enhancing drugs.
I wouldn't be surprised given his track record.

Wordplay Joke

My friend: My grandmother just died. It's really shocking. I just thought she'd keep living until she was 100.
Me: Were you close?
My Friend: She was 94, so i wasn't far off.

Wordplay Joke

I was walking along the beach when a hot blonde bird caught my eye.
Women shouldn't be messing around with fishing equipment.

Wordplay Joke

I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing.
The neighbours say they will call the police unless I put it back.

Wordplay Joke

I love Silence...
well, that goes without saying.

Wordplay Joke

I asked my missus to get a thick sliced loaf from the shop but she came back with a medium.
I don't care if she can talk to the dead, that's not going to be much use to me in the morning when I want some toast.

Wordplay Joke

I was eating out my girlfriend before when I thought: " A bowl would be a lot easier."

Wordplay Joke

Every month I give money to William Shatner, William G Stewart, William Hague and William Clinton.
That's the main reason I keep working.
I've got Bills to pay.

Wordplay Joke

People who lose pound coins down the backs of sofas - I feel for them.

Wordplay Joke

A world without bears would be unbearable.

Wordplay Joke

I just tried to find the Nihilism website, but all that came up was "Page does not exist"

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend isn't very good in the bedroom department.
One of the many reasons why she got sacked from Debenhams.

Wordplay Joke

I got stung by a bee yesterday.
20 for a jar of honey!
Outrageous.

Wordplay Joke

I've been depressed, normally I do a crossword every day but lately I haven't, too down.

Wordplay Joke

I started a parachute course then I fell out with my instructor.

Wordplay Joke

Lopsided Christmas trees.
I cant stand them.

Wordplay Joke

My mate told me to try sticking a propellor and motor to my forehead the other day, and I have to say, I'm a huge fan.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News:
'George Cross for Army bomb heroes'
Bit harsh being angry at the heroic soldiers?