Wordplay Joke

All my mates have started calling me spiders because women scream when they see me in their house without realising that they swallow me 4 times a year whilst they sleep.

Wordplay Joke

My brother and I couldn't decide who would inherit all Dad's old woodworking tools, so we've decided to play a game of rock, paper, scissors for them.
Winner takes awl.

Wordplay Joke

In 1938 in Europe we had 'How do you solve a problem like Maria?' but due to our large influx of Muslims and pakis by 2038 it's likely to be 'How do you solve a problem like Sharia?'

Wordplay Joke

Lady Gaga is re-releasing one of her hits as a tribute to Gary Barlow
"Stillborn This Way"

Wordplay Joke

I used to play the piano.
The piano always won.

Wordplay Joke

My enema seminar was a complete washout.

Wordplay Joke

My friend's a bit slow.
I wound his watch back 5 minutes when he wasn't looking.

Wordplay Joke

I applied for a job at a engineering firm to work on a lathe.
They turned me down!

Wordplay Joke

There's something long and hard in my trousers...
..My femur

Wordplay Joke

The lawsuit made Abercrombie and Fitch realise the disabled girl wasnt as armless as theyd once thought.

Wordplay Joke

I've just got one of those divers watches.
I had to drown him to get it.

Wordplay Joke

From the BBC Website: WHO warns against homeopathy use .....
It's funny I thought Dr Who was a homeo.

Wordplay Joke

Granny Smith.. The apple of my pie

Wordplay Joke

I had a delicious rabbit for dinner. Now he's just some bunny that I used to gnaw.

Wordplay Joke

Solar powered calculators never let you down.
you can count on them.

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear about the painting contest? It ended in a draw.

Wordplay Joke

Once again my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with the band Del Amitri.
I'm always the last to know.

Wordplay Joke

Last night on the drink, I jokefully boxed my friend Jamal.
Just checking the UPS tracker, apparently he's on his way home now.

Wordplay Joke

The truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it still hurts.

Wordplay Joke

As a hotel inspector, I looked at 7 rooms today before I found one of a decent standard.
It certainly makes one ruminate.

Wordplay Joke

Tulisa says that the worst is yet to come.
And when it does, I bet she swallows the german sausage.

Wordplay Joke

As a marine engineer, I am frequently called in to repair the engine lubrication systems on small harbour boats.
I love my oily tug jobs.

Wordplay Joke

Went surfing yesterday.
Came out covered in vomit.
Mate asked "What happened?!"
I said "I don't really know! Was suddenly overcome by a wave of nausea".

Wordplay Joke

I've woken up this morning with a bleeding mouth, gum lacerations, and a severely punctured cheek.
I think it's clear someone spiked my drink.

Wordplay Joke

My wife keeps irritating me by moving all of my furniture around my office so I decided to return the favour by rotating all of the furniture in the kitchen and dining rooms, and she went ballistic,
it seems she can't handle it, now the tables have turned.