Robert Mugabe has said he 'Welcomes Gamu back to Zimbabwe with open arms'
Firearms

My wife left me because I think that everything is ironic.
Which was ironic.

Some kids from the local orphanage smashed my windows in the other day.
Thugs. I blame the parents.

I used to have a job in the cafe, but then I left.
The work wasn't my cup of tea.

My phone is shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a Gnocchia.

My missus asked me to take her out for a slap up meal.
So I drove her to the chippy and whacked her in the face with cod and chips.

Suprised Calvin Klein is so popular, you'd have thought having the German word for small on your underpants would have put people off...

BBC News: Somalis guilty of US ship attack.
Be more specific, how many Ali's was it?

I went to see a religious cobbler today.
He healed my sole.

I keep checking out my girlfriend's profile.
She looks quite attractive from the side.

Spent 6 hours yesterday with the wife going around all the shops looking at the sales.
Pointless.... we don't even own a Yacht?

I said to the missus, "I've just seen the most beautiful sausage dog."
She said, "Aww, where?"
I said, "In the butchers you moose."

What's the difference between a shed and a hut?
A shed didn't order the execution of Luke Skywalker.

I was at the pub with my mate last night, when this bloke sitting at the bar started looking over at us.
"Reckon you could take him in a fight?" My mate asked.
"Ok, you start the fight; I'll grab him and run", I replied.

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

I woke up a changed man this morning.
But it was his day off and he prefers the term 'Transgendered', so he was livid.

I took to the witness stand yesterday.
The judge was quite bemused by my show of love and affection for it.

I put all my chips on 17 black at the casino last night.
Thats when they called for the manager and said I wasn't allowed to bring food to the roulette table.

I was walking out of the local Newsagents this morning when something fell from the wall and knocked me out cold.
Must be some kind of sign.

I can already see it coming:
First they'll start letting people clone their family pets, then some owners will be unhappy with the results, and the next thing you know, we'll have a bunch of copycat killings.

Whilst looking at junk food and ready meals in the supermarket today, my wife was asking me if I had any ideas on a good new years resolution for her.
I said "give up breathing"
Then I thought, I'd be a lovely husband and help her out with it.
Tesco bags. Every little helps.

I see that BBC have a new show called Muslim Driving School, let's hope for our sake it's a lot more successful than their original pilot episode, Muslim Flight School.

I had to change and dispose of a nappy earlier.
Evidence.

I see Metropolitan Police Commander Dizaei has been jailed for corruption.
Naughty little Rascal.

To help fight against climate change, Amazon have agreed to undergo cut downs in certain areas on site.
Won't that add to the problem?