Wordplay Joke

I told my girlfriend that she's like a bottle of milk.
"What? Curvy hips and skinny up top?", she whispered excitedly.
"No, you've been around too long, become chunky and make me
sick to my stomach", I replied.

Wordplay Joke

I went to the petrol station the other day and I said to the cashier,
"Have you got any Twix?"
"Yes," he replied and started juggling.

Wordplay Joke

How do you seduce Iron Man?
Ferro moans.

Wordplay Joke

Statistically 99% of people believe knighthood is totally justified.
-Sir Vey.

Wordplay Joke

My boss asked what I made of January's sales reports.
Apparently answering 'paper aeroplanes' is a good way to get fired.

Wordplay Joke

Why are sandwich fillings so thick?
Because they're all in bread.

Wordplay Joke

My brother loves real ale but never comes along to the drinking club with me.
I think he's camra shy.

Wordplay Joke

In mediaeval times, horses that died in battle were taken to the taxidermist.
It was the stuff of knight mares

Wordplay Joke

I went in to the barbers earlier for a haircut and beard trim. Not sure what happened, but I've just woke up on life support with half my face missing.
The doctor told me it was a close shave.

Wordplay Joke

Just found out my mate died in an explosion in an internet cafe
Rest in PCs Dave

Wordplay Joke

I think my Stephen Hawking action figure is broken.

Wordplay Joke

I see the pope has started to use eBay.
I wonder if he pays with papal.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said to me
"You've turned me into a bitter person"
"That's odd because I'm a lager man myself" I replied

Wordplay Joke

I hate bottled beer.
They're uncanny.

Wordplay Joke

The left side of the brain is responsible for speech....mind you it would say that wouldn't it?

Wordplay Joke

Had a disastrous date with a hair stylist last night.
We didn't gel.

Wordplay Joke

I went on Dragons' Den to pitch my new asphyxiation game.
But I choked.

Wordplay Joke

I've always wondered...
Do geese see God?
But believing in something fictional is very backward, very backward indeed.

Wordplay Joke

I don't know the meaning of the word insomnia,
but it keeps me up at night thinking about it

Wordplay Joke

Just heard someone say, "It's better to be safe than Soz"
I hope they get hit by a Loz.

Wordplay Joke

I Dont know why my wife says pregnancy hurts,
it sounds like a right knee's up.

Wordplay Joke

I was cooking for master chef the other day, and Gregg Wallace said I needed to add more cloves to my curry.
He didn't look impressed when he choked on a sock.

Wordplay Joke

My German friend walked up me yesterday and asked me if I could try some sausages he had just made, after I declined he asked why, and I replied:
"you should always be your own wurst critic."

Wordplay Joke

There was a downs syndrome that worked in a museum all his life just sweeping up, he used one broom his entire working life.
Talk about tard with the same brush.

Wordplay Joke

my science teacher wasn't best impressed with me because apparently crustacean isn't when you hit a Chinese man with a bus ...