Wordplay Joke

I got a hand job yesterday.
I'm now officially a sign language interpreter.

Wordplay Joke

Anyone can write horoscopes. It's piscesy.

Wordplay Joke

I washed a Marks & Spencers top of mine using Vanish the other day.
Now the label just says "& Spencers"

Wordplay Joke

When we were alone in the kitchen the other day, I asked my sister-in-law what she wanted for her birthday. She leaned in close and whispered that what she really wanted was a good roger ring.
So far, I've been to Hinds, H. Samuels, Argos, and Ernest Jones, and no-one knows what they are. She's gonna be really disappointed...

Wordplay Joke

I was sat in a T.V studio, pondering the most comical way to be hit in the face by some recording equipment when,
BOOM, it hit me.

Wordplay Joke

At scouts today, my son learnt how to kindle a fire.
Tomorrow he's learning how to iPad a canoe.

Wordplay Joke

GALILEO : Great mind!
EINSTEIN : Genius mind!
NEWTON : Extraordinary mind!
BILL GATES : Brilliant mind!
ME : Master mind!
YOU: Never mind!

Wordplay Joke

Why did the letter H kill himself?
Because the G-had.

Wordplay Joke

I received a letter through the post yesterday that had me asking some questions.
It was a "Y"

Wordplay Joke

What's brown, furry and wet?
A drizzly bear.

Wordplay Joke

I coated my front door in C4 yesterday.
Hey, don't knock it.

Wordplay Joke

Stood
Mis
That's misunderstood

Wordplay Joke

Someone just tried put a black gown and a stupid curly wig on me in the street.
I hate it when people judge me.

Wordplay Joke

I had an unhappy childhood, in which I was routinely beaten by my parents.
Although as I got older, I got better at chess.

Wordplay Joke

Me and my mate were having a fight about mathematical problems.
It got totally out of proportion.

Wordplay Joke

Drink. Don't think and drive.

Wordplay Joke

I went asleep in my bed last night, yet woke up surrounded by allotments...
I think they are plotting against me....

Wordplay Joke

Why worry about the black kids standing by your new car?
'We need to remove the stereo' types.

Wordplay Joke

I bought some really cheap, basic toilet roll the other day - but it does exactly what a toilet needs.
It was bog standard.

Wordplay Joke

I gave my pet bird a haircut, now he thinks he's James Bond
He's certainly a shorn canary

Wordplay Joke

Suggs revealed that he took "a lot of amphetamines" when he was younger.
There's a meth-head in the Madness

Wordplay Joke

I need more money. My net income doesn't pay for my gross habits.

Wordplay Joke

My friend called me lackadaisical today
I couldn't be bothered to look up what that meant

Wordplay Joke

My huge, solid gold ring makes quite an impression on the ladies.
Usually around the forehead and jaw.

Wordplay Joke

SKY NEWS : Thai Floods Kill 57 - But Is Worse To Come?
Who is this 'worse'? ... and why is he masturbating ?