I went home the other day to find my girlfriend sprinkiing salt over her head . . .
The next day I found her trying to roast herself in the over . . .
She's nuts that girl

I was asked by my mate Tim if I would be the best man for his wedding to a Chinese girl.
Apparently, referring to the couple as Tim-Tong is enough to get me kicked out of the church.

So I hear one of Raoul Moat's victims has had to have his eyes removed.
Must have been a blinding shot.

Police have said the parents are to distraught to be interviewed at the moment over the death of their 4 year old, who died in a tumble dryer.
I guess it must be a Hotpoint?

I hate it when the milkman comes late.
It makes my jaw ache.

When I started my new job in the City, I turned up naked.
I got a bit confused, I thought I was learning how to deal with shocks and stares.

I dreamt that I was in a weird place last night. It was a dark place, where people talk in riddles and are tortured. A man said I could escape if I guessed the name of a street of shops where goods were sold.
It was bazaar

What's the difference between a urethra and a garden hose?
Well, let me tell you, there's a vas deferens...

I've just bought the most expensive bottle of sun tan lotion ever.
Not that I want to rub it in.

Just got sacked from my job at the rich tea factory.
They said I took the biscuit

I knew Spurs would score a goal. I could never keep clean sheets when I was a Young Boy either!!

My wife is leaving me because she says i over complicate everything I say.
Well its safe to say I am a rabbit of negative euphoria.

A girl i know just posted the facebook status:
"I hate MEN"
I couldn't disagree more, it's a top-quality arena with fantastic capacity.

My wife just called me an egotistical know it all.
But I know better.

Drink kills 1,500 Scots a year.
I wonder how many Daves, Terrys or Alans it kills.

I'd give my right eye to be a pirate.

I like the way the TV weather forecasts have been condensed into 4 words.
"And now tomorrows summery"
Sorted. Cheers BBC.

This morning I woke up next to some tart.
Must have sleepwalked to the kitchen again.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them anything because I live on a boat

So the man with no arms and legs managed to swim the channel.
What a buoy.

NASA have just developed an Orbital geometric lunar surveillance satellite.
They're over the moon...

What did the scouser say to the baker?
You do dough don't you though?

My accountant has been going through the books of my modeling agency this morning.
He's just looking at the figures.

The reason that the BNP never do well in their survey's and audits is because they hate Polls.

My girlfriend was unhappy with the way I dumped her yesterday.
It's her fault for running at me with a rugby ball.