Wordplay Joke

Hubble telescope detects the oldest known galaxy.
Yeh but it's not like we can eat it. It'll be out of date.

Wordplay Joke

I really looked forward to some freshly squeezed orange today, but after 2 minutes of fumbling trying ...
I realised I just couldn't concentrate.

Wordplay Joke

I have lost count of all the great comments I get about my abacus.

Wordplay Joke

Bubble wrap:
3% Protecting belongings.
97% Stress relief.

Wordplay Joke

Abu Hamza: Taking the 'lim' out of Muslim.

Wordplay Joke

Yeah doctor, i've been feeling a bit... strange. like, sometimes past, sometimes future - you know?
Yes yes, you sound a bit tense.

Wordplay Joke

Arrow making.
Don't nock it until you've tried it.

Wordplay Joke

The bloke who invented mansize tissues must've known some really little blokes.

Wordplay Joke

I got a new noose, but I don't know how to use it.
I haven't got the hang of it yet.

Wordplay Joke

I've just called Vodafone customer service.
I said, "I'd like to talk to you about my account".
The woman said, "Is it a personal account?"
I said, "No not really, you can look at it if you want".

Wordplay Joke

Apple are developing new technology that will be able to drive public transport and do everyday jobs, leaving thousands of people unemployed.
The iMmigrant.

Wordplay Joke

My mate's getting really worried because he can't stop stealing cooking utensils
I told him to stop panicking and he'll be fine.

Wordplay Joke

How do fat people win sporting events?
When its on a plate for them.

Wordplay Joke

My wife was paralysed in a car crash yesterday.
I always warned her about driving at breakneck speed.

Wordplay Joke

After 6 years searching hi and low for a new career path, attending numerous interviews and taking part in many trial shifts, I can finally bring some good news:
I'm going to be a professional gymnast.
At last I've finally landed on my feet.

Wordplay Joke

I tend to take things in my stride
Security get less suspicious that way

Wordplay Joke

I just bought a new Satnav, however it isn't very precise.
When I ask it for directions all it ever says is, "Round about now"

Wordplay Joke

Surrealists. You either love them or cover them in polka dotted, beetroot flavoured oxo triangles.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Man held after fatal dog attack.
"Well, I suspect he was in pieces?"

Wordplay Joke

I just can't stand joonerism spokes.

Wordplay Joke

My dad used to touch me when I was small.
But after growing it four inches in two weeks..he's way too intimidated by it's size.

Wordplay Joke

I don't mean to boast but I am a very humble person.

Wordplay Joke

Brian.
His mind was a little mixed up.

Wordplay Joke

People said I had it wrong when I said i'd completed the half marathon in 6 minutes.
Turns out I was wrong, It's not called a half apparently, it's called fun-size. And they've been calling them snickers for years now.

Wordplay Joke

I've developed the world's first high definition book..
It's a dictionary on a shelf.