Wordplay Joke

Peter Crouch.
There's a man I've always looked up to.

Wordplay Joke

My mate's selling all his Status Quo collection ...
He's got whatever you want.

Wordplay Joke

When my opponent turned up for our table tennis final wearing a pheasant mask, I knew I was in for a tough match.
He had his game face on.

Wordplay Joke

I tied up my wife the other day.
Now she's a ladyboy.

Wordplay Joke

Where does Gandalf keep his stick?
In the staff room

Wordplay Joke

Michael Laudrup is set to be named new Swansea boss.
I don't know why he's changing his name and to something as stupid as that.

Wordplay Joke

Isn't it pointless to keep bailing out a certain Mediterranean country in the Eurozone?
The money would have been more useful if it was printed on Greaseproof paper in the first place.

Wordplay Joke

In Sweden, there are a total of 10 deaths due to car crashes everyday with a moose
being at least one of the casualties.
That must be why Sweden are such a good looking nation then.

Wordplay Joke

A builder's van said 'Call us for a free quote' so I did. They answered "Get off your horse & drink your milk."
Sounds like a bunch of cowboys to me.

Wordplay Joke

Why are they called missiles... if they're supposed to hit their target?

Wordplay Joke

My wife came downstairs this morning, horrified, to find me supping a can of Strongbow.
"It's one of my 5 a day," I claimed.
"Cider doesn't count as a fruit, you know".
"Who said anything about fruit?" I asked.

Wordplay Joke

There once was a man from Strathclyde
Who fell down a sewer and died
His younger brother
Fell down another
And now they're interred side by side

Wordplay Joke

My wife works from home on the computer and she's getting pretty fat. So the next time she left the house.....
I deleted all her cookies.

Wordplay Joke

just drank a pint of food colouring!!, Do you think I will dye?

Wordplay Joke

I've just got a nice little part-time job at the local funeral home....
I only work mournings.

Wordplay Joke

I'm also a doctor, and - coincidentally - one of my patients also called me up to tell me her eyes had gone black.
"Well, they'll never go back", I told her.

Wordplay Joke

What's the difference between a condom and S Club 7?
S Club 7 split 9 months after my son was born

Wordplay Joke

"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough."
Not the best thing to sing outside an impotent support group.

Wordplay Joke

I've been on the road for 3 years now.
That's probably why I always feel run down.

Wordplay Joke

I was reading 'War and Peace' in bed last night, when my wife said, "What made you want to read that?"
I said, "It's a long story."

Wordplay Joke

Me and the girlfriend just arrived in Vietnam, and I was soon sent into hysterics finding out that the currency there is called the dong.
"It's not that funny," she scolded, as I was laughing my head off.
She soon shut up when I told her I'd put my money where her mouth is.

Wordplay Joke

The recent cancellation of Sonisphere was disconcerting.

Wordplay Joke

Im making a chicken bake tonight.
Its about time i had a night off from cooking.

Wordplay Joke

Teacher: what is the difference between - Call Girl, Girl Friend and Wife??
Student replied: Prepaid, Postpaid and Unlimited

Wordplay Joke

As a Tourettes sufferer, I lead a cursed life.