Wordplay Joke

I took the wife into our garden today, where I'd stuck a load of signs saying, "I'm leaving you."
"What are those doing here?" she shouted.
"These are my grounds for divorce," I replied happily.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said to me today that as she's approaching 40, she wants more out of life. She said she's fed up delivering babies at the hospital and wants to go travelling around the world and to buy a Porsche.
I think she's having a midwife crisis.

Wordplay Joke

For years now I've been pressuring young girls to join convents...
Force of habit I guess.

Wordplay Joke

After having colonic irrigation today I was really tired.
It really takes it out of you.

Wordplay Joke

I've just lost my ice sculpture business.
It went into liquidation.

Wordplay Joke

I've had to stop collecting packs of cards.
I've got a full house.

Wordplay Joke

I had to sit all of my exams three years earlier than I was supposed too. I got really worried and had to try and think of other things to take my mind off of them, giving myself a chance to perform better- one of the many issues with premature examination.

Wordplay Joke

I like to create lists which mix English and Latin, like: one, two, three, et cetera.

Wordplay Joke

Archaeologists have discovered the remains of what appears to be a prehistoric coastal golf resort in East Africa.
It could be the missing links.

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear about the cannibal who had epilepsy?
He had a fit for his dinner

Wordplay Joke

My mate has one of those double barrell surnames.
Shot gun.

Wordplay Joke

People tell me that I'm a good source of comfort.
As far as I know however, the best source of comfort comes from unilever.

Wordplay Joke

I fell into the Beaver enclosure at the zoo.
I'll be dammed.

Wordplay Joke

A new prosthetics company has started up in my area that will only take payment in nuts.
It will cost you an almond a leg.

Wordplay Joke

This girl asked me out last night. I was so shocked.
I wonder how she found me in her closet in the first place.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a poor old tramp in my local
supermarket, just looking at all the freshly
baked loafs of bread,
I approached him, put my arm round him
and said, "I'll help you out, which way did
you come in?"

Wordplay Joke

I tried to get into a nightclub last night, but they said there was a 1,000 entry fee.
I told them to forget it, so there was no grand entrance for me.

Wordplay Joke

Whenever I switch my faucet on, there is always a delay before the water starts running.
It's out of sink.

Wordplay Joke

This bloke kept throwing bits of his mouth at me.
In the end I said: "That's enough of your lip!"

Wordplay Joke

I pulled a muscle today
I kept clam.

Wordplay Joke

My mate says he can make fish jump into his boat without lifting a finger.
I'm sure there's a catch.

Wordplay Joke

I've just got a new job, carefully cutting a piece of wood with utmost precision and accuracy.
I can't hack it.

Wordplay Joke

I asked my road sweeper mate how things are with him since he's been a bit down on his luck.
He said "Picking up".

Wordplay Joke

the BBC are showing repeats of The Flintstones in the middle east
the people of Jordan dont want it but.....
abu dhabi do

Wordplay Joke

The idea of perfume makes so much scents.