Wordplay Joke

I drove my car into a tree today.
I now know how my Mercedes bends.

Wordplay Joke

Two pieces of vomit are walking along the street when one of them stops and starts feeling all emotional and starts crying. The other one asks what is wrong and the first one says: "Oh just sentimental memories - this is where I was brought up".

Wordplay Joke

Really disappointed about the diploma I was going to study on "Barratts Sweets". Turned out to be only a Refresher course.

Wordplay Joke

People keep saying to me today. "Don't forget to move your clocks and watches forward tonight mate!"
Well I've just done my watch and its stupid, it keeps sliding off my fingers.

Wordplay Joke

I said to my daughter, "You're not going out with that much make-up on".
She said, "Dad, I'm a circus clown. I have to look like this".

Wordplay Joke

Everytime I use my phone my ear gets wet.
I think it's been tapped.

Wordplay Joke

I was recently diagnosed with a disease where I keep having nightmares of being chased by a psychopathic gunman.
Apparently it's Bird flu.

Wordplay Joke

Sky News: Girl of 5 crushed my automatic gate
Tributes in the form of flowers, cards and teddies have been left on the gate which crushed her.
Do they really think making the gate look more attractive to young children will stop this happening again?!

Wordplay Joke

12 injured in an explosion at a Sodium Chloride factory.
Talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

Wordplay Joke

I saw an advert in my local paper: Heavy Metal Group Requires Singer.
What would a rock group want with a sewing machine?

Wordplay Joke

Sometimes I regret not learning to speak French.
But such is life.

Wordplay Joke

The burning question...
Am I on fire?

Wordplay Joke

I'm having trouble signing up to this wrestling website. I'm not going to give up though.
Every time I try to make an account it tells me to submit.

Wordplay Joke

By switching off a 60w lightbulb for 6 hours you will have saved enough energy to light a 60w lightbulb for 6 hours.

Wordplay Joke

I was used in a reconstruction of a murdered campanologist for Crimewatch.
I was a dead ringer.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a bath on display stood upright in B&Q.
I thought to myself "That idea will never catch on."

Wordplay Joke

I remember when everything was different. Then everything changed and nothing is the same these days.

Wordplay Joke

When I had a go at rowing I was so indecisive I couldn't choose either oar.

Wordplay Joke

'That's a good point . . .
Said The Pencil Sharpener .

Wordplay Joke

Since my friend Overdosed on Helium he doesn't think people will take him serious,
I said 'oh, don't talk like that.'

Wordplay Joke

I saw a tree standing all by itself in the middle of some fields.
I thought, 'That doesn't look poplar'.

Wordplay Joke

I went for a job interview. I walked in, shook hands with the interviewer, and dropped to the floor.
He said, "Are you alright?"
I said, "I'm fine. I was told to make a big impression. That was my Audley Harrison."

Wordplay Joke

After surviving winter, deciduous trees must be releaved.

Wordplay Joke

When my wife was pregnant, I was happy. When I found out they were going to be twins, I was ecstatic. When they were born and I saw they were joined at the head, I left them in a basket outside a stranger's house with a note:
'Please find attached.'

Wordplay Joke

BBC NEWS: Tear gas used on Syria mourners.
Somehow, I don't think the tear gas was necessary.