Unsure what form of skating to take up? Go figure.

Brad and Angelina like to call their children unusual names, may I suggest for the next one; Snake, Sand or Arm.
If they don't like any of them then how about, Sto.

I was out at my local club last night and this bird kept coming on to me and trying to dance with me. At first I was having none of it but after a few stiff drinks I was all over her.
I guess it's true what they say, absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

I woke up this morning to find my house was in flames.
I ran outside screaming, "HELP! HELP! MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?"
My neighbour, matches in hand, said, "Karma"
So I took a deep breath, and said gently, "Help, help, my house is on fire, why is this happening to me?"

I was feeling a little odd yesterday.
Or as my wife would call it, a disabled child.

I've just had to buy a new knife.
The old one wasn't cutting it.

My mate changed his name to Arial Font.
He's always been a bit bold like that.

I really need to stop talking to inanimate objects.
Note to shelf.

I owed a friend some money so I handed him a cheque. All he could say was, "This had better not bounce."
It won't, it's made of paper.

Cif ? CIF ?!?!!
What junt came up with that idea?

My daughter thinks she's quite posh.
She tries to speak with my plums in her mouth.

Statistically the number of drunks in Russia is a Staggering 89%

Scientists announced that they've developed a gun that fires insults instead of bullets.
It's called a 'sod-off shotgun'.

My mate won a huge amount of money playing Yahtzee against local gangsters.
He suggested I try but I think its too dicey.

I was amazed to learn that my Grandad's generation referred to condoms as "French letters".
I'd be far too worried to use a contraceptive with a name like that in case it split at the first sign of any friction.

Leave glue-sniffers alone. They get enough stick as it is.

My fingernails are getting out of hand.

Just 10 minutes before they were scheduled to perform, the Kaiser chiefs have pulled out.
I predict a riot

Cookie thieves really take the biscuit.

Note to self:
The Child Support Agency do not manufacture a wonderbra for 13 year old girls.

I was having the best stag party ever.
Until they shot Bambi's mother.

I logged onto a website called "911 Jokes" this morning.
Some of them were pretty amusing, but I don't think the guy who built the site can count.

Leonard Nimoy is gravely ill & despite being a firm believer in alternative medicines, he is not responding to any treatment. The doctors have given him just a few days to live.
Should have gone to Spocksavers.

Money Saving Expert Dilemma: "Cat has licked the Sunday roast, should we eat it?"
No, what a stupid question, there's not even any good meat on a cat.

I have a blocked nose.
Wish I wasn't made out of Lego.