My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too much of an exhibitionist.
Well, I'll show her.

I refused to eat my rabbit stew last night.
There was a hare in it.

I got a dog the other day, and all he does is bark at everyone.
I knew I shouldn't have got a cross-breed.

My hamster died from lack of exercise.
He just didn't have the wheel to live.

You've got to hand it to Sarah Jessica Parker, she's had to jump over a lot of hurdles to get to where she is today.

I like making a move on my girlfriend first thing in the morning to help wake her up.
I usually start with the suplex.

I buy a different brand of cling flim every time I go to the shops.
Just to keep things fresh.

My American boss has asked me to install some new strip lights in the staff canteen.
So I've used my initiative and erected a small stage and a pole, too.

I think its about time I came out of the closet to my wife.
Its really hot in here and I can't see that anything good is going to happen between her and her sister.

I know a vampire who collects mirrors.
I don't know what he sees in them, to be honest!

sickipedia
where jokes get shot down faster than american soldiers

I got a new roof fitted for free the other day.
It's on the house.

I bought a Victorian crib and a rocking horse from the early 1930's the other day.
The wife left me this morning. She's sick of my childish antiques.

I ran over some stupid black guy today.
Still not sure why he was lying on my treadmill...

I went to a party especially for people with a small vocabulary.
The drinks were good.
The food was good.
The music was good.
But then there were the women, they were good.
It was good.

Where did Prince Charles spend his first honeymoon?
Indiana.

NEWS HEADLINES: An entire northern town in England has totally disappeared.
Police have no Leeds.

Took my bmx for a spin round the block and hit every pedestrian I saw!
When asked what happened I told them I just couldn't stop! It was a vicious cycle...

I was watching a Bruce Lee film earlier, and it got to the end showdown with his enemy.
I thought he was going to kill him, but instead, Bruce grabbed the man by his arm and gave him a Chinese burn.
That was an unexpected twist.

I accidentally sliced my finger with a butcher's knife earlier.
I haven't seen a gash that deep since the last time I fisted my Grandmother.

I can't help thinking that the guy who first coined the word "missile" must've been a pessimist.

There's a terrible smell coming from my bedside table.
I think my alarm clock must've gone off.

My wife said she fancies a night on the tiles.
So Ive sent her up onto the roof to adjust the TV aerial.

I stood my girlfriend up, tonight.
I'll try again in a couple of months when she's old enough to walk.

I've just been taking some indecent images of my 6 year old son.
He's wearing his Man United kit.