My campaign against gypsies occupying my allotment is Losing Ground.

I received a letter in the post from my gas and electric company asking for my meter readings.
I phoned them up and said "Well it's 100cm, of course."

When I was playing with my little model car, my mate said it would be much better if it was remote controlled.
'Alright, no need to get RC with me,' I replied

Life's too short for twelve across, "the period from birth to death", 5 letters.

Billy Ray Cyrus is emotionally attached to his Keyboard.
Especially, the 'A' key and the 'Break' key.

I remember during my years as a vet when one of the wires on the support machine disconnected and wouldn't re-fuse.
I had to hold on for deer life.

I remember when they turned down my first application to become a Big Issue seller.
I had to beg.

People who are too big for their boots will always have trouble fitting in.

I said to the doctor, "I've got this nagging injury which I want you to look at."
"What kind of nagging injury is it?"
I showed him my hand and said, "that one my wife left on my knuckles."

I just asked my friend if her baby likes Aptamil 1...
She said she doesn't have Sky.

If Pinocchio tells you he's got wood then he's lying.

Why did the young deer slither on the ice ?
Because he wasn't bambi-dextrous.

I once crashed my dad's car into a lemon tree.
Ten years later and he's still bitter about it.

what do you call a black bloke that only plays 17 holes on a golf course ? mr t

I decided to raise money for my friend who is never sure of anything
I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt

Cross a librarian and a lawyer and what do you get?
All the information you want, except you can't understand it.

I started work in a woollen mill but soon realised that it was a very close knit community.

I think that my daughter is becoming sick.
She just doesn't seem to be settling well in my stomach.

Just wrote a story about a bloke that drank a pint of Boddingtons and spewed up.
It's a rough draught.

I got pulled up after being caught red handed driving whilst talking on my mobile.
"I saw you on your phone," the policeman said "If you admit it, I'll let you go!"....
"Okay fair cop"

I got pulled up after being caught red handed driving whilst talking on my mobile.
"I saw you on your phone," the policeman said "If you admit it, I'll let you go!"....
"Okay fair cop"

What did the i say to the !?
"Wish I could do a handstand."

I started a job sorting prosthetic limbs recently.
It was hard to find my feet at first until I started wearing shoes.

My local bookies generates electricity using an Irishman running in a hamster wheel.
Its Paddypower

When I tell people my job has something to do with PR, technically I'm telling the truth.
Can't let them know I work In SPAR now can I?