I hate Anti-climactic people....... actually... nevermind.
Could be better.
My Jamaican postman always leaves me wanting.
The other day somebody told me that I can't deal with pain.
That really hurt.
Me and my mate are both undertakers, and to make it interesting we decided to have a bet on where we'd find our next dead body.
As we entered the crime scene I thought to myself.... It's in the bag.
I was getting my hair cut and the barber asked, "doing anything special this weekend?"
"Yes I am," I replied. "Her name is Linda and she has muscular distrophy."
I'm starting up a band with my mates Igneous and Sedimentary.
We're more of a rock band.
My friend went to a camouflage exhibition yesterday.
I'll have to ask him how he found it.
I was driving home from London yesterday when I decided to pull off into the service station.
...which immediately got me thrown out.
My wife is my better half but my secretary is my better hole
Finally, I've achieved my childhood dream of becoming an artist.
I'm drawing the dole.
My wife has started using the chocolate machine at work to deal with her self esteem issues.
It gives her a boost.
I went on a date last week, and at the end of the evening she promised to kiss me if I stood on one leg. I haven't heard a thing from her ever since?
We must have got off on the wrong foot
I've just joined the new Social Networking site where you have to upload pictures of blacks and asians set on fire. It's called Racecook.
The wife kept saying the same thing over and over again.
Turns out it was just a phrase she was going through
What's Father Christmas' favorite rock band?
My mate bought an empty swimming baths for 100 grand, and since then he's had a broken leg, a broken arm, 3 broken fingers, a broken toe and now he's got a fractured scull.
It's his own fault for throwing himself in at the deep end.
It's my first night inside.
Usually I have to dry-hump the wife.
My wife said "I'm leaving you for another woman"
I said "But i'm a man"
apparently 95% of people stir the sugar into their tea using their right hand.
I always used a teaspoon myself, but whatever floats your boat I suppose...
There's a lot of tension between me and my wife, which is good news.
It's means the rope is tight enough.
I was drawing the curtains earlier when I thought:
'Surely there's something more interesting to fill my sketchbook with'.
I've just received a doctors appointment regarding my constipation.
Unfortunately I can't go.
My neighbour and i are having an argument. Every time he sees me he throws mud clods. I'll win because he's already losing ground.
I heard on the adverts that 'Special K' helps you the next time your on the scales.
Not much use really, I still can't play F minor.