The police turned up and arrested my next door neighbour for hacking yesterday.
He doesn't even own a computer.
They found 4 bodies and an axe in the garage though...

Chapstick.
Posh men's banter.

A friend of mine has a degree in Black History.
He's a darkieologist.

I broke up with my girlfriend when I caught her in bed with another man.
I wasn't too bothered about the cheating, it was finding out she was a man that got to me.

Some guy ran into my shop the other day with a bit of beef in his hand, demanding ownership.
I think he wanted to be a Stakeholder.

I'm a designer of minimalist housing and 7 windows was my idea

Apparently I have made 144 mistakes at work this past year and they said enough was enough,
I got fired for gross negligence..

Last month, I went to africa to go on a hunting trip. After returning at the end of a long day my host asked me;
"How did it go?" I happily replied,
Pretty good, I shot a Lion, 3 zebras and 8 Doshus
The man looked slightly bemused, but congratulated me nonetheless.
On the following day, i returned again after a long day of hunting, and again, the man asked;
"How did it go?"
"Great," I said, "I shot 3 Lions, 5 Zebras and 10 Doshus.
Even more impressed, yet still slightly confused, he wished me luck for my third day. Later that night I returned and the familiar routine occured.
"How did it go?"
I replied, Today I shot 8 Lions, 11 Zebras and 22 Doshus
My host treated me to a traditional dinner for such my efforts. The next morning, I woke up ready for my last days hunting. After a long day's safari, i returned to my accommodation.
How did It go? I replied Today was the best day yet, I shot 9 Lions 15 Zebras and 50 Doshus!
He was astonished and yet had one question to ask. But, what are Doshus?
I paused for a second before replying Little black men running around shouting Donshoo Donshoo."

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

I was tossing and turning all night last night.
I work nightshift at a pancake factory.

Why did the lobster blush?
The sea-weed.

The other day, I felt like a chicken.
So I crossed the road and went to KFC.

Yahoo! News: "Disabled man plummets from podium into mosh-pit at AC/DC concert!"
He was shaken all night long.

Don't get in to an argument with desserts, they're not to be trifled with.

My friend confided in me that he has been freaking out about the stability of his house..
I told him it's just a phase, it will blow over.

A fat chick walked up to me the other night in the club, and before she said anything to me, I burst out
"Look, no sorry, I'm sure guys point out your obvious flaws, your double chin, your piggy nose, bloated stomach..."
"But?" She interrupted.
"Yea," I replied, "thats pretty huge as well".

My mate just phoned me up in a panic, saying that he had swallowed some staples for a bet, and now has severe chest pains.
I told him to make sure he's stationary while I call an ambulance.

My lecturer is a Doctor of advanced statistics and probability.
What's the chances of that then?

I said, "You know that girl I took home last week?"
My mate said, "Oh yeah"
I said, "I kept her knickers as a trophy"
He said, "Ha ha nice one"
I said, "The winners of the under 9's football league didn't think so"

Does a Scottish Cyclops have good vision?
Aye!

My husband came in from milking the cows earlier with a limp.
When I asked him what had happened he said that he strained his calf in the process.

I'm not racist, but there is a guy at my work. He just keeps putting blacks down.
O well he's the judge and I'm only a clerk.....what can i do?

My wife said, "Can we put the Christmas tree up tonight?"
I said, "Why, has it got nowhere else to stay?"

My girlfriend fell over her Handlebars today.
Someone needs to tell her Movember is over.

Mcfly... Scottish airways