Wordplay Joke

I just fired a shotgun at my wife.
She went up the wall.

Wordplay Joke

My mum said, "If there was a record for you being clumsy, you should have it!"
I said, "Yeah, I broke it."

Wordplay Joke

I've had to leave my girlfriend because of her obsession with Daniel Craig.
It's a shame... There was a bond between us.

Wordplay Joke

A crowd gathered in town today when a jumper was spotted up on a ledge.
It turned out to be a cardigan.

Wordplay Joke

I've been adding CH3 groups to ghosts all day and I've ended up with a load of methylated spirits.

Wordplay Joke

I've been really down in the dumps lately. So I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich. But when I picked up the jar of Branston it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.

Wordplay Joke

What did the exhausted deer say as she staggered out of the forest?
"That's the last time I'm doing that for ten bucks."

Wordplay Joke

I was arrested the other day for having indecent images of French feet on my computer. Apparently piedophilia is a crime.

Wordplay Joke

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack.
One hat says to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

Wordplay Joke

The council had been re-surfacing our road when the spastic kid from next door got his wheelchair stuck in the tarmac.
The next thing we knew he was re-tarred.

Wordplay Joke

Every time I fall asleep I keep seeing horses.
I think it's nightmares.

Wordplay Joke

Chatting up a bird last night and she asked me what I was like in bed.
"I'm like life" I said.
"what, like a box of chocolates?" she giggled "I never know what I'm gonna get?"
"No. Too short."

Wordplay Joke

What has a turkey and my wife got in common?
Neither of them know yet that they are going to get a good fisting over my kitchen sink next week.

Wordplay Joke

I murdered my teacher with a protractor...
I'm being done for 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree murder.

Wordplay Joke

Just went into the local hairdressers.
Sat in there for 20 minutes trying to decide what to have in the end i just left.
Im going to have to mullet over

Wordplay Joke

Now I've split up with my girlfriend, I'm back on the market.
"Roll up ladies and gentlemen, my ex's used underwear, two for a tenner"

Wordplay Joke

I'm disgusted by the German word for big.
It's gross.

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear about the clown with Diarrhoea?
He kept making funny faeces....

Wordplay Joke

"I visited those botanical gardens at the weekend"
"Kew?"
"No, just went straight in"

Wordplay Joke

I swept this random woman off her feet today.
She did'nt see me coming with my brush.

Wordplay Joke

My dad hit the dog with his slippers, I dont know whats worse,
Him hitting the dog, Or the dog having slippers.

Wordplay Joke

Just started dating a comedian, Can't see it lasting very long,
She's started being funny.

Wordplay Joke

I threw a paper clip at the new woman in my office and it stuck to the side of her head.
I think she's attractive.

Wordplay Joke

I've had a problem with my filing cabinet recently.
I think its sorted now.

Wordplay Joke

Last night, i walked in on my nan getting changed, and its an image that will stay with me forever...
5 megapixel camera phone