I was playing pool with my mate last night when I thought,
"Maybe a cue would be easier"

When it comes to choosing which tv to buy I'm easily led.

I've just seen a river that had a wall built across it so that the water cascaded down it.
It was weird.

I was buying some hydrochloric acid the other day and asked the bloke how much it was.
"Including the vat?" He said.
"Yes," I replied. "Otherwise, what would I keep it in?"

I applied for a job at IKEA today.
I had to put the application together myself.

One of the neighbours found my cat's tag the other night.
I didn't even realise he'd been doing graffiti.

Just had some Walkers crisps.
Nicked them out of his Berghaus rucksack.

The letter M is very rare in the English language.
You only see it once in a Blue Moon!

I climbed down into a gigantic iron mine the other day.
I was in ore.

I was surprised when I got the Nirvana Live at Reading CD for Christmas.
I always thought they lived in Seattle.

Just been watching NBA basketball on Sky. Those Americans can't stop thinking about food.
Halfway through the game I heard one of the coaches asking for a Time out.

I was always told that if you ignore something it won't go away. I was also told there is always exceptions to the rule.
Isn't that right Kate, Gerry?

I feel sorry for the North Koreans, they have no Seoul.

My wife's on a low fat diet.
She eats lard off the floor.

I had a Chinese girl once. Half an hour later, I wanted another one.
It's hard work sometimes, being a cannibal.

I've got constipation. Is this also a log in issue?

I got a box of italian childrens parlour games for my birthday....
'Pasta Parcel' is my favourite

I should have been disappointed by the vending machine dispensing broken chocolate bars, but it gave me a bit of a Boost.

I had a suspicion that my new girlfriend was only with me for my money.
She asked if I got paid weekly.
I said "Yeah, very".
I haven't heard from her since.

My new years resolution is to stop being so vague about stuff.

I had to go to the Doctors recently, 'I'm afraid it doesn't look good' He said, 'You're going to have to have a foot off'
I'm not too bothered though, I'll be able to wear my kilt without getting arrested again.

I'm a daredevil. I steal biscuits from babies. I'm a bit of a rusk taker.

My wife recently asked me to define "a month".
I've been thinking four weeks, but I'm still not sure.

What's better than a piano in the hall?
A fiddle in the bed.

Bargain hunting is so much easier with a rifle.