I bought a paper weight yesterday.
Had to buy a proper one today, it kept blowing about.

A beautiful woman came to see me in my surgery for some test results.
I said, "Look this is very unprofessional but do you fancy a drink Thursday night?"
She said, "Er .. erm .. sorry I'd love to but I can't. I'm washing my hair. Now ... my test results?"
I said,"Your chemo starts tomorrow. I'll pick you up at seven"

I was trying to light my farts the other day, when it completely back fired.

This life support machine is the only thing that keeps me going these days.

My wife went mental when I blew our life-savings on property.
Still, I love a cup of Earl Grey.

My ex-girlfriends last words just before she left me were:
"Isn't it a lovely view from this cliff, darli.....?"

When will people learn to stop having kids with people from Siam?

I was in the middle of a thunderstorm wondering why the lightning came before the thunder.
Then it struck me.

I've just had my idea for a new public holiday rejected.
What's wrong with 'alzheimer remembrance day'?

My mate went missing at sea two days ago. They don't know where he is.
So, if you do - answers on a coastguard please.

Three crotchets waltz into a bar.

My wife has finally gone out
I set fire to her 3 days ago

England Manager Fabio Capello should be sponsored by Odor-Eaters...
...He's also an expert at masking the smell of defeat.

As a hairdresser, I'm relentless in my money making ways...
I'm going to get rich or dye trying.

If you believe binoculars are overrated then look no further.

I make jokes whenever my wife walks into the room...
Or - to put it another way - every time I see my wife, I start to gag.

My friend just sent me a text message saying, 'I've got an iPad 2'.
'I think you're confusing me with somebody else', I replied, 'I haven't got an iPad'.

I have a load of stones lodged down my throat
Now my voice is all gravelly

The juices of creativity are flowing...I would clean it up but Mum will be home soon anyway

I have developed a way of unfreezing food, by hitting it with a big hammer.
I call it 'Thoring'.

My new girlfriend is great!only one thing though...
Every time she smokes weed she goes lesbian.
I guess she just gets the munchies.

I was down by the beach when I saw this guy staring in deep thought at a tree.
He was a palm reader.

Alternatively.
"Or", as its less commonly known.

What do you call male tampons?
Bachelor Pads.

I walk around the fair with a stuffed animal I brought from home.
I need people to think I'm a winner.