Wordplay Joke

Last night I saw a boring film about tea.
It was PG rated.

Wordplay Joke

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Wordplay Joke

As a courtroom judge, I spend a lot of my time around two types of people. The guilty. And the innocent. It's very much a case of black and white.

Wordplay Joke

The answer is sheep...........
Thats what I herd anyway.

Wordplay Joke

I need an operation on my lungs, was told it would be a simple procedure, but now its trachea than they first thought.

Wordplay Joke

I was never one to make a scene.
Which is probably why I was a terrible playwright.

Wordplay Joke

I keep having dreams about raisins and sultanas.
It's recurrent.

Wordplay Joke

I saw an obese woman fall up an escalator today.
I can't convey how funny it was.

Wordplay Joke

As I caught the train this morning, I thought,
Wish my son would stop throwing his model railway out of the window.

Wordplay Joke

A friend asked me what self-evident meant.
I would have thought it was obvious.

Wordplay Joke

I lost my virginty in a skip.
Or Laura as she was better known.

Wordplay Joke

I love turning on fans. It gives me vent elation.

Wordplay Joke

Caught my kid smoking pot at the School Sports Day.
They're in for the High Jump.

Wordplay Joke

Hands down, that was my worst ever puppet show performance.

Wordplay Joke

It's a shame we never heard about the Addams Family's Indian grandfather, Pop.

Wordplay Joke

It's a good job the band 'Garbage' didn't change their name to the English version. They would've been rubbish.

Wordplay Joke

I said to my mate "Next year I'm taking up something new. I'll give you a clue, it involves blood, sweat and tears with a little bit of Eye of the Tiger thrown in".
He replied, "So you're taking up boxing?".
"No", I said "Chinese medicine".

Wordplay Joke

When Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Cech goes to his hometown bank to have his cheques looked over by the black girl who works there:
Choc Czech chick checks Czech Cech's Czech cheques.

Wordplay Joke

My mate gets women by putting his hand in Archers and letting them lick it.
They come running when he Schnapps his fingers.

Wordplay Joke

I don't think I'll ever get over my wife dying.
She's blocking the doorway and I'm confined to a wheelchair.

Wordplay Joke

About to pay a deposit on a well-earned holiday in the Romanian capital.
I'm going to Bucharest.

Wordplay Joke

Elvis Presley died 35 year ago today. It really got me thinking.
What sort of time travelling paradox machine does he own.

Wordplay Joke

I wanted to get something for my wife so I took her to the auctions with me but no one would start the bidding!

Wordplay Joke

Man lying in bed with his wife says to her: "If I had plastic surgery to make myself bigger, would you do the same?"
The wife replies "Yeah, i'd do that, it sounds like a good idea"
Man says "Excellent! I'll pay for your breast enhancement, and then i'll get myself some bigger hands"

Wordplay Joke

"I'm an awful grime dj, trying to break into the pop market."
Sorry, I was just being Ironik.