Wordplay Joke

My wife wanted a more secure future so I've invested half of all our money in stocks for her.
I've invested the other half in rotten fruit.

Wordplay Joke

In 1972, Richard Nixon became the first ever US president to visit China. He was invited to Peking to mend a governmental rift, as Mao Tse Tung was fed up of using the stairs

Wordplay Joke

If you want to stop murders in your area, put up a scarecrow.

Wordplay Joke

I told a girl I could read her mind just to get her into bed and she believed me.
What was she thinking?

Wordplay Joke

I got sacked from my job at a clothes alteration shop yesterday.
It's my own fault really , some days I couldn't even be bothered to turn up.

Wordplay Joke

I saw some blokes in armour, sketching a pub just as it was getting dark.
I couldn't help thinking, "The knights are drawing inn".

Wordplay Joke

What's the definition of a mistress. An object in between Mr and mattress.

Wordplay Joke

I got stopped by some young guy yesterday in the street and he said "what is you?"
I replied, "A vowel".

Wordplay Joke

After spending the last five years having every surface in my house chrome plated, I decided that it was finally time to sit back and reflect.

Wordplay Joke

I was filling out a form online earlier whilst applying for a loan.
One of the sections said, "Income, how much?"
I wrote : Not a lot, a teaspoon or so.

Wordplay Joke

Recently I sent my son away to boarding school.
He's going to be better than Tony Hawk.

Wordplay Joke

I was walking down the road with my wife when she was instantly killed by a falling piano.
I thought, "That's grand."

Wordplay Joke

Did you know you can actually live in the letters of the 'HOLLYWOOD' sign?
I used to live in the 'O' but I had the neighbours from 'L'

Wordplay Joke

I heard the bomb found on the plane in the UK was placed inside an ink cartridge.
the explosion could have been Ink-redible.

Wordplay Joke

Driving Nascar is very challenging...
But I refuse to cut corners.

Wordplay Joke

I feel sorry for auctioneers, they always have a lot to deal with.

Wordplay Joke

Got myself a new fragrance called 'Allotment'
The girls dig it.

Wordplay Joke

I did a Plumbing course at College.
It was rather draining.

Wordplay Joke

I was asked to attend the premier of my film about plagiarism.
I didn't make it.

Wordplay Joke

Why can Nessie open any door?
She is a loch's myth.

Wordplay Joke

As head librarian, I need to get my act together, making sure all rules are adhered to.
People are starting to talk.

Wordplay Joke

Just had a shave using a Bic.
Didn't even cut myself, I am covered in ink though.

Wordplay Joke

"Is there a shorter way of writing 'Number'?"
"No."

Wordplay Joke

Hydrogen, Helium...
I don't take these words lightly

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend was very impressed when i managed to get her bra off with one hand.
"Could you try it on me next time" she said.