A bloke with no hands goes to the doctors and says,
"I dont feel very well."

I take crack.
Im not a drug addict; Im a rapist.

Tell you what gets a bad press.
Stevie Wonder's trousers.

"Snow Hampers Christmas Post"
So everything is running normally then?

I have been trying to make a sentence in which I use the words to and too next to each other.
But I just can't seem to put to and too together.
--------------------
I tried to too!

My job keeps me really busy. I work in a church and I'm always slightly changing things.
I'm an alter boy.

This electrician arrived home at 3am
The wife says "wire you insulate?"

I complained to my newsagent, "I've not received my copy of 'Managing Confrontation' this month".
He said, "Why, is there an issue?"

I've just caught the wife trying to put a shelf up.
I said. "Will you stop that. I'll go and get some batteries for your Rabbit."

I get on great with my new European Roadie. He's a sound Czech guy.

You have to say, Ledley King is missing out on a great opportunity if he doesn't call his son Juan...

I've just been warned off sending junk e-mails to Muslims.
Apparently, they're not allowed spam.

My mate offered me a pint after having my arms amputated.
I couldn't take it.

I hate jokes about Vietnam.
They really Hanoi me.

I went for an interview at a leading DIY superstore today and they've just rung to offer me a post.
I must say I'd have prefered a job.

What do you get if you cross the Italian Mafia and the IRA?
Nowhere to eat or drink in New York.

I'm Korean and my favourite snack is a pet noodle.

I threw some acid into my wifes face today...
You should have seen the reaction.

Just noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Oh, it's an article on peripheral vision.

Why is it when a footballer "runs at defenders" he's considered to have an 'excellent attacking instinct', but when I run at women I'm said to have 'a disgusting attacking instinct'?

You cant turn a ho into a housewife.
Unless you're playing scrabble.

I was slicing open a Kiwi last night, and I thought to myself; God I hate New Zealanders.

Treated myself to a brand new car this Christmas and the wife very kindly wrapped it for me..
around a tree.

Just to be different I decided to take an arrow after my concert performance.

Me and my Friend only understand even numbers...what are the odds?