I'll never eat sedimentary rock again,
Chalk that up to experience

I will solve my procrastination issues; just wait and see.

My other mate is a gynaecologist who never comes out
He reckons hes got too much work on at the orifice

My girlfriend described our relationship like being stuck in a prison.
Her and her Strangeways.

I poured spot remover on my dog.
He died of acute hexane poisoning.

Hey Pope, TAG, you're it!

My wife's just had her face lifted.
It's not high enough, I can still see it.

I asked an army man for advice, but he was too general.

My mother rang up college today as i've been locked up in my room for three days writing a lecture on the square root of two.
She says i've been behaving irrationally.

I've just bought my wife a booster seat.
She's really happy now as she can pop her head out the car window just like all the other dogs.

I'm busily revising for my exam in repairing motorcycle helmets.

I was sitting in the park today watching the birds.
A crow landed, followed soon by another. They looked around as if hoping that other crows would join them, but none did, so they flew off again.
Next thing I know, I'm in court as a witness to an attempted murder.

I went to one of those Feminist Rallies at the weekend.
I missed the race, pity it must have been a good one. There was crashed cars all over the car park.

I spent all night saving pictures of Quagmire from family guy.
I've used up one Giggity hard drive

My wife asked me to explain social networking sites to her. So i hit her in the face with a book.

Never steal second-hand tambourines.
The repercussions will be terrible.

What do you call a duck that meets its future self?
A Pairadux

Just won the World Mute Championships.
I have no words to describe it.

My mate Robert is backwards.
But he's worth a mint.

I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.

I will now explain how to steal music. Feel free to take notes.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently.
James Brown's name seems to pop up a lot.

Sometimes I like to dress my disabled child up in funny clothes and laugh at him as he runs around the house.
Some of my mates call me cruel, but I'm just using autistic license.

I decided to have some nice chocolate cake today. I entered a patisserie and said: Whoa, you're already fat enough!
It proved to be an effective way to get a random girl's cake. For free.

I just tried to download a tv program from the internet, but when I opened the video it was just a voice shouting obscenities at me.
It was a torrent of abuse.