Wordplay Joke

My wife said "I might go back to college to get a maths GCSE, what do you reckon?"
I said "Don't count on it".

Wordplay Joke

Ever since I took this job as a human statue my career has come to a standstill.

Wordplay Joke

It really hurts being labelled "Paedo" by my neighbours.
They put it on with a staple gun.

Wordplay Joke

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

Wordplay Joke

I asked this Jamaican guy if he'd like to tell me what his favourite country in the Middle East is.
"Yemen," he replied.

Wordplay Joke

More and more people are breaking agreements each day.
That's not promising.

Wordplay Joke

I wish I could see chameleons in their true colours.

Wordplay Joke

There's been an aggressive dog running loose in our street and cops are looking for it's owner.
Hopefully they'll find a lead.

Wordplay Joke

As the head ranger on the game farm, I had to tell the boss that the wildebeest were causing havoc.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"Bad gnus" I replied.

Wordplay Joke

Oh my God I can't believe it.....
Tottenham are playing the Kaiser Chiefs.

Wordplay Joke

I'm so glad I finally went to see a therapist for my paranoia three years ago.
I haven't looked back since.

Wordplay Joke

When my laptop starts playing up and is running slow, I know it's because its been running for hours and is over heated..
So being a loving and caring owner of my laptop, I open another Window.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a horrific car crash this morning. A skoda

Wordplay Joke

I went to the doctors, because I think I something called 'Nigerian-itis'. So he asked,
"Do you like to wear flowery shirts in the winter? Are you better at football than others might suspect and often answer a question, with a question?"
"What do you mean?" I replied.
The doctor says I have a mild case of Ghanarrhea.

Wordplay Joke

My journalist friend got arrested for putting random dots throughout his articles.
We have to go to court again tomorrow because today the judge couldn't decide how long his sentence was.

Wordplay Joke

I've just sold my soul to the devil............ He particularly wanted the Stevie Wonder LP's that i put on ebay.

Wordplay Joke

"I've just invented a communication laser", my mate beamed.

Wordplay Joke

"I've just invented a communication laser", my mate beamed.

Wordplay Joke

I'm a delivery man at B&Q, and this woman wanted me to sketch a plan of her new kitchen furniture.
So I drew a table.

Wordplay Joke

I got arrested at B&Q earlier they accused me of stealing bricks,
I was furious, I really took offence.

Wordplay Joke

I thought about investing some cash in a burlesque group but my mate told me not to because it's a risque business

Wordplay Joke

When I was 14 I strolled into a pub, put on my deepest voice and asked, "What alcoholic drink can I get for a fiver?"
It was worth a shot.

Wordplay Joke

A mate of mine sells vomit decoration kits. That's pretty sick.

Wordplay Joke

I've just written a joke about a broken window.
I've saved it in drafts.

Wordplay Joke

My old rescue cat was spotted as it crossed the road.
I screamed a loud warning but my lasting memories were a car speeding off to loud rock music and a large paw print left on the road.
I'm pretty certain now it was a deaf leopard track.