I stopped to observed the two minute silence today in memory of my grandfather who was once awarded the King's Cross.
O, how I miss playing Monopoly with the old codger.

Being a rapist is very much like going fishing.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or grunge that may have built up while not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

I invited my friend over the other day for a drink but he spent the whole night on my computer playing solitaire. He really tested my patience.

I was playing cricket the other day, and I missed the ball. I didn't know what to do.
I was stumped.

I see the IRA planted a 600 pound bomb up in N.I.
When will they learn?
They're just so senseless.
I mean I could have got them one for 99 quid.

I just bought a mini cooper.
He makes these brilliant little wooden barrels.

My daughter has just stated dating an undertaker but I'm dead against it.
I've told her that he only wants her body.

I fully endorse the roll out of the new 'Bullet Trains', which will run from Kent to London.
Personally, I believe dodging AK-47 shots should make the commute to work far less dull.

Suspicious
suspicious (s-spsh's)
adj.
The green credentials of bio-diesel are about as suspicious as a black man in a book shop.

When I told my friends I wanted to start a business selling small pieces of metal, they gave me some flak.

Metapods make me Harden.

I hate vines; theyre way too creepy for my liking.

I was in the Gym the other day when I noticed someone struggling on the bench press. As I was standing near to him, he squeeked out to me 'Can you spot me...'
He looked fairly unimpressed as he crawled out from underneath the bar after I had merely replied with 'There you are'

Got into an argument with a broken fridge yesterday.
Things started to get heated.

Stuart Donnelly, Britain's youngest lottery winner has died.
His number was up.

I'm being put under an awful lot of pressure by my wife at the moment.
She's 25 stone.

Calling people "Blockheads:"
Wasn't that just adding insult to Ian Dury?

What is a shorter name for a metal detecting enthusiast?
A virgin.

My Dad's dying wish was that we have a race named after him.
So just to let you all know, from now on the Chinese will be called the "Bill Coopers' ".

Saw a shoplifter being arrested this morning by an albino policeman.
I thought to myself, "That's a fair cop."

Me and my mate had a heated argument with some random blokes about which console was the most entertaining.
Wii won in the end.

Bad memory? Always losing things? There was an app for that...somewhere

I had MI5 round the other day, they accused me of growing vegetables in my garden on behalf of North Korea.
I argued it was just a communist plot.

I had a police escort drive me home last night.
I was shocked. I'd have thought they would have upgraded to the new focus by now.

I always struggle to put into words how articulate I am.