I've got tickets for a concert for Love Music Hate Racism. I can't wait, I love music, hate and racism, they're three of my favourite things.
Me and my mates played a football match against a load of Marines yesterday.
At half time they brought on a Chinese bloke.
I thought to myself, he's a yellow sub marine.
What's eight inches long and makes my wife come?
My thumb and middle finger when I click them.
''Age is just a number'' - it's quite clearly a word
I have a dilemma. I want to help my wife stop smoking but I also have an overwhelming urge to set her on fire again.
I have been working in a mirror factory for years now. It's what I've always seen myself doing.
The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn't suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry
I spent my day today protesting against the treatment of blacks, Muslims and Asians in this country, but the doctors at the hospital just would not listen.
Without me, it's just aweso.
My local petrol station had a letter stolen from its sign last night.
They're sending out an Esso S.
"Gymnasium" in ancient Greek means "naked exercise" but try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First.
I just walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous club, five minutes late.
They said, "Oh, nice of you to join us."
Just got myself a new Czech girlfriend, but it's taken her 5 days to hoover the house.
Turns out she's a Slovak.
The Grim Reaper came to my house last night and said it was my time to go... I wasn't going without a fight so I hit him over the head with my vacuum cleaner.. I couldn't help but think I was Dyson with death.
Billy: Did you hear about that actress that was stabbed in London yesterday? Reese...what's her face?
Billy: No with a knife.
Vanessa Feltz is outraged that the News Of The World has been intercepting her phone calls. She should be grateful - no-one else in their right mind would want to tap that.
I was taking down some lecture notes this morning when I thought:
"I really must try harder with my Christmas decorations next year."
Women's genitals are not a "Phenomenon".
They're just "For nommin' on".
I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando's the other day when my best mate came over, grabbed the garlic bread and coleslaw from our table and ran off.
I wish he would stop taking sides.
I used to be really good at reading braille.
But I lost my touch.
My son is being forced to smoke by our French exchange student.
I was telling the police officer how local youths had thrown a milk bottle at me and just missed.
He asked, "Skimmed past your face?"
I replied, "No, full fat over my shoulder."
My friend has not been seen for a week and has locked himself in his house!
I thought he had OCD
Turns out he actually had COD.
It was a busy night at the Bulimic support clinic.
The place was heaving.
The Anorexia Ward is the easiest place to pick up girls.