Wordplay Joke

I've got tickets for a concert for Love Music Hate Racism. I can't wait, I love music, hate and racism, they're three of my favourite things.

Wordplay Joke

Me and my mates played a football match against a load of Marines yesterday.
At half time they brought on a Chinese bloke.
I thought to myself, he's a yellow sub marine.

Wordplay Joke

What's eight inches long and makes my wife come?
My thumb and middle finger when I click them.

Wordplay Joke

''Age is just a number'' - it's quite clearly a word

Wordplay Joke

I have a dilemma. I want to help my wife stop smoking but I also have an overwhelming urge to set her on fire again.

Wordplay Joke

I have been working in a mirror factory for years now. It's what I've always seen myself doing.

Wordplay Joke

The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn't suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry

Wordplay Joke

I spent my day today protesting against the treatment of blacks, Muslims and Asians in this country, but the doctors at the hospital just would not listen.

Wordplay Joke

Without me, it's just aweso.

Wordplay Joke

My local petrol station had a letter stolen from its sign last night.
They're sending out an Esso S.

Wordplay Joke

"Gymnasium" in ancient Greek means "naked exercise" but try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First.

Wordplay Joke

I just walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous club, five minutes late.
They said, "Oh, nice of you to join us."

Wordplay Joke

Just got myself a new Czech girlfriend, but it's taken her 5 days to hoover the house.
Turns out she's a Slovak.

Wordplay Joke

The Grim Reaper came to my house last night and said it was my time to go... I wasn't going without a fight so I hit him over the head with my vacuum cleaner.. I couldn't help but think I was Dyson with death.

Wordplay Joke

Billy: Did you hear about that actress that was stabbed in London yesterday? Reese...what's her face?
Timmy: Witherspoon?
Billy: No with a knife.

Wordplay Joke

Vanessa Feltz is outraged that the News Of The World has been intercepting her phone calls. She should be grateful - no-one else in their right mind would want to tap that.

Wordplay Joke

I was taking down some lecture notes this morning when I thought:
"I really must try harder with my Christmas decorations next year."

Wordplay Joke

Women's genitals are not a "Phenomenon".
They're just "For nommin' on".

Wordplay Joke

I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando's the other day when my best mate came over, grabbed the garlic bread and coleslaw from our table and ran off.
I wish he would stop taking sides.

Wordplay Joke

I used to be really good at reading braille.
But I lost my touch.

Wordplay Joke

My son is being forced to smoke by our French exchange student.
Pierre Pressure.

Wordplay Joke

I was telling the police officer how local youths had thrown a milk bottle at me and just missed.
He asked, "Skimmed past your face?"
I replied, "No, full fat over my shoulder."

Wordplay Joke

My friend has not been seen for a week and has locked himself in his house!
I thought he had OCD
Turns out he actually had COD.

Wordplay Joke

It was a busy night at the Bulimic support clinic.
The place was heaving.

Wordplay Joke

The Anorexia Ward is the easiest place to pick up girls.