Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend just texted me and asked for me to call her later.
I'd prefer to carry on calling her Sarah to be honest.

Wordplay Joke

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small,
we're a very tight knit community.

Wordplay Joke

I thought I would highlight the rising levels of obesity with the use of a pie chart.

Wordplay Joke

I've just bought a new flat.
That's the last time I go to Kwik Fit.

Wordplay Joke

I ordered myself a slow cooker online last week.
It's already three days late.

Wordplay Joke

I resent people who insist I should respect the national anthem.
I won't stand for it.

Wordplay Joke

What have second cousin marriage and Birmingham got in common?
They're both dodgy grey areas that people tend to avoid.

Wordplay Joke

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she's obsessed with Twilight.
Fed up of her waking me up just before dawn to look at nothing.

Wordplay Joke

Went to bingo tonight.
Got two fat ladies.
Worst threesome ... ever.

Wordplay Joke

Girls are all over me when I tell them I work as a red arrow.
Really I hold the sign in the high street that points you in the direction of Currys.

Wordplay Joke

My wife is pretty handy around the house.
She's not allowed inside.

Wordplay Joke

I don't trust mascara...
It's out on the lash with a different girl every night.

Wordplay Joke

A mate of mine has been telling absolutely everyone that he has been doing stretching exercises for so long that he can now bend double.
I guess he really likes blowing his own trumpet.

Wordplay Joke

I was at an airport and I saw a sign that said "Check in here"
I thought "But I haven't even lost anything"

Wordplay Joke

I've just seen a china man fall from a tall building.
He shattered on impact.

Wordplay Joke

What brand of tobacco do Emo kids smoke?
Cutters Choice

Wordplay Joke

Archaeologists find dozens of wooden animals buried at the foot of Mount Ararat.
They must have been Noah's, after all, they did come in 2 x 2.

Wordplay Joke

I was jumped by a load of black guys earlier.
That's the last time I go to an athletics track dressed like a hurdle.

Wordplay Joke

i've started up a business selling fishing rods... to be honest its not really catching on

Wordplay Joke

Get your Uranium Rods, we're going fission...

Wordplay Joke

I've just found out that my favorite fish has got cancer.
The vet said it's a malignant tuna.

Wordplay Joke

I went to play golf with the guys from work.
Just as we got to the first hole my boss asked, "Have you brought your tee?"
I said, "Nah, I'll have it when I get home."

Wordplay Joke

BBC NEWS: Schoolboy kills 15 year old girlfriend for free breakfast
I guess she's "toast" then

Wordplay Joke

So Magnus Magnusson said to me "And your specialist subject is?"
"Well, since this must be heaven," I said, "It's not gas boilers..."

Wordplay Joke

Promised my mum that I'll never end up working in the prison kitchen herb garden again.
I've served my thyme.