There was an explosion in my jigsaw factory.
I am now left to pick up the pieces.

How do you make a chav say "Walt Disney"?
Ask him to point to his knee.

I was trying to think of some palindromes today, realised i couldn't and thought:
"Dammit, I'm mad."

I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat spinach as fast as possible.
I'll call it Popeyedol

The wife just said, "Why do you always show me disapproval using facial expressions?"
"That's how, eye-roll." I replied

When doing a stretch in prison,make sure it's not your hamstrings in the showers.

I dreamed of a world without paedophiles.
I'd have made it too if it hadn't been for those meddling kids.

Invisible flooring - I'm not sure where I stand on that

My wife is looking very red from the sun this morning.
I rolled it up and beat her half to death with it.

I'm a bit confused now. My boyfriend rang and said he wanted me to give him a golden shower tonight. But when I made enquiries at B+Q, all they did was give me some plastic sheeting.

Flies spread diseases so please keep yours closed.

I had decided to set myself up in business as a shepherd, but I couldn't get the staff.

Today I bought a talking bookcase.
Which speaks volumes.

I fell over at the cash machine earlier, but it did say "Balance on screen"

Incest: generally relative, but not always apparent.

I said to my mate "Do you want me to help you with that thesaurus you are putting together by listing all the words that mean strength? You know, like power, toughness..?"
He said "Might as well"

I've just seen a soul singer carrying a box of 80's computers...
I think it was Lionel Richie and the commodores.

I asked my wife if she wanted to play a board game
As I handed her the ironing board.

I've just returned from hospital after a severe joint problem.
Well they called it rehab, actually.

My grandfather worked in a medal factory when he was younger. He made the Military cross.
Partly because he was the worst worker they'd ever seen.

I emailed my boss my annual sales totals today.
He went mental on the phone and said I had to justify my figures.
I centred them and sent them back.

Sikhs can now save on electricity bills and help save the environment.
Just by converting to a wind turban.

Why don't cups gamble?
It's a mug's game

I broke my girlfriends heart last night. It took me ages, had to break her ribs first!

I just saw this headline on msn news:
"Officer hurt at Giant Illegal Rave"
I didn't know Giants were into Raves