I just saw my wife masturbating with a prosthetic limb.
I thought to myself "She is gonna do herself some serious arm"

My mate needed something to make himself sick.
I said "How about eating out of date chinese food?"
He said "Now thats using the old noodle"

Eyewitnesses said that they could hear the cries of terror as Sean Kingston headed for the bridge.
They added that this was the first time they had ever heard a bridge speak.

When life gives you lemons, make abstract lemon art.
Life won't expect that.

I knew a man who chopped down trees in his sleep.
He was a slumberjack

Trying to find evidence that a farmer is a drug addict is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing...
...especially when you're standing behind Pippa Middleton.

This inflation rate is great.
I pumped my tyres in under 10 seconds.

Step one: Buy a sheep.
Step two: Name it "Relation".
Now you have a relationsheep.

'Boy 16 convicted of killing girl for free breakfast'
That's very young for a cereal killer.

I asked a rioter if the army should help.
`No tanks,' replied a Jamaican.

Me and the lads have a brilliant weekend ahead. Our Chinese mate has invited us to go to Reading for the weekend.
Although I'm not exactly sure what he meant by me being the 'best man', and having to prepare a speech. It was completely beyond me.

I was asked to appear in a film about walking dogs.
I've got the lead.

Fisting just ain't doing it for my girlfriend anymore.
I'm gonna have to start using my head to save this relationship.

Mix your metaphors, it's not rocket surgery.

I made it my mission to take cocaine in every country in Europe..
And after 3 months, I've finally made it to the Finnish line.

I was in a crowded pub with my mate, when he suddenly sprayed me with fluorescent paint.
Wish he'd stop showing me up like that.

My Asian friend hates it when I swap the letters 'L' and 'R' on his keyboard.

'Win a trolley full of goodies.' The Tesco advert said in the newspaper.
Imagine my disappointment after being informed I'd won to find Graham Garden, Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke Taylor left in a trolley outside my house tonight.

My mate William is looking for a house share but hasn't really had any luck.
All the ones he's seen so far say 'No Bills'.

Decided to cut ties with my children yesterday.
Got kicked out of Debenhams after five minutes though.

How does a matador like his coffee?
Au lait!

Our book club challenged us to read a 1000 page book in a day. I chose the Greater London road atlas. I'm streets ahead of the rest

There was loads of coppers at my local church yesterday.
I wish people would give more generously.

I walked into a bar that a was full of lonely fat chicks eating crisps.
It must have been Pringles night.