Wordplay Joke

Just saw a sign which said "WARNING! Forklift Truck in Operation".
No wonder the NHS waiting list is so long.

Wordplay Joke

Im aroused by fire. Must be all those naked flames.

Wordplay Joke

Someone stole my spine while I was sleeping, but I'll get my own back.

Wordplay Joke

Just saw a German philosopher out buying fruit.
Pretty sure I've spotted a Nietzsche in the market.

Wordplay Joke

I've released a new book on why it's important to keep money in the bank for as long as possible.
There's been big interest so far.

Wordplay Joke

"What do you think of Ant and Dec?"
"Well, Ant is a bit deviant, but Dec is half decent."

Wordplay Joke

"So, two of you fell off the riverboat as it entered the bend?"
"Yes" I said, "Meander."

Wordplay Joke

I'm listening to La Roux; The shoplifter edition.
Going in for the till.

Wordplay Joke

The Romans were the best at persecuting Christians.
They nailed it.

Wordplay Joke

I smoked weed when I was in university.
I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, I even did it in rain, but I did not inhale.

Wordplay Joke

I was in America last week and visited a taxidermist. After spotting a large stuffed Grizzly I told the shop owner I'd like its upper limbs.
The shop owner said," Son, you can't buy it in bits."
I said, " Hold on. This is America, yeah?"
He said," Certainly is. The land of the free."
I said," Ok. So what about my right to bear arms?"

Wordplay Joke

My wife has been constantly nagging me to sign up to one of those social networking sites. I decided Twitter , knocked her clean out.

Wordplay Joke

FoxNews - Powerful bombings rock Afghan city of Kandahar.
I hope they come to britain, sounds like an awesome band.

Wordplay Joke

My Jewish colleague broke his arm last week.
The Doctor gave him a hollow cast.

Wordplay Joke

The weather is really up in the air at the moment.

Wordplay Joke

A detective was stabbed at a robbery in a bookies today.
I'm trying to find out the odds of that happening.

Wordplay Joke

If you can't beat 'em . . . . . You'll most likely lose or draw.

Wordplay Joke

I was up in the loft today and found my grandad's old wig weaving machine.
It's a family hair loom.

Wordplay Joke

Just bought a CD about railways.
It's got some nice tracks.

Wordplay Joke

I'll only play snooker with people on condition that I have the first shot.
It's a habit I've got to break.

Wordplay Joke

Needed a new stapler at work so my mate told me to get one from the stationary cupboard.
I asked which one, as none of them had moved an inch all day.

Wordplay Joke

My best mate never carries money or cash cards...
I suppose you've got to give him credit.

Wordplay Joke

I told my friend I was going to drive to Africa in my car.
"Sudan" he said ?
"No, its a hatchback"

Wordplay Joke

Yesterday evening I had dessert, followed by a starter and then my main course.
My doctor said I had an eating disorder.

Wordplay Joke

My job interview didn't go very well.
They asked "What will you be bringing to this job?"
I don't think "My briefcase" was the answer they were looking for.