Wordplay Joke

A woman walked into Boots and said "I'd like some........................... face cream please"
Lady behind the counter replied "Why, the big pores?"

Wordplay Joke

This guy is always having car troubles.
I wish he'd stop coming to me with his Saab stories.

Wordplay Joke

I am a pork-kebab maker.
Boar nan bread.

Wordplay Joke

I got the new athletics channel on my TV.
Thought it would be good, but it's just a load of re-runs.

Wordplay Joke

I know what would have made the Dukes of Hazard more interesting, generally speaking.

Wordplay Joke

I call my ex wife Eleanor Rigby.
Because I keep her face in a jar by the door.

Wordplay Joke

My pregnant Jewish girlfriend and I have decided to name our child "Bun".
We're both happy with the name, but she hates it when I refer to our child as the "Bun in the oven".
It brings up too many bad memories.

Wordplay Joke

I'm not worried when people say my new diet could be unhealthy...
It's all gravy.

Wordplay Joke

I don't see why everyone has such a problem with 127 hours..
There's no 'arm in it.

Wordplay Joke

Today I found out that my eldest son was guilty of murder and theft.
I've had a bad heir day.

Wordplay Joke

I've been trying to set up a group for years to play the blues but unfortunately Chelsea only play against professionals.

Wordplay Joke

Just got fired from my job as a train driver.
I was steaming.

Wordplay Joke

"Legally registered partner" doesn't have the same ring to it as "Wife".

Wordplay Joke

It was my first night as a rent boy last night and I forgot the lube.
I did a raw ring trade.

Wordplay Joke

A lot of jokes go straight over my Indian mates head.
Because I stuffed his turban with penguin wrappers.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a Chinese lumberjack?
Chops sticks.

Wordplay Joke

My father wanted to fight crime like Batman, but he never noticed the criminals even when they were committing crime right in front of him.
He was an unvigilante

Wordplay Joke

The other day a mate told me he planned to become a ballboy on a football pitch, or something along those lines.

Wordplay Joke

I just lost a fortune playing poker against a group of black blokes.
5 spades beat my straight

Wordplay Joke

My wife and I wanted kids, but I was firing blanks. I invited my mate to do the honour, but he ended up pulling out.

Wordplay Joke

I was quite happy when I saw my phone bill tonight.
Frank my fridge and Mike the microwave seemed a tad jealous though.

Wordplay Joke

Free plectrums, please take your pick.

Wordplay Joke

Whenever I took some shots at the pub, my mates started calling me a weirdo.
So I grabbed my camera and my stand then went elsewhere.

Wordplay Joke

Daily Telegraph: Gorilla that walks like a man filmed at zoo in Kent.
And he was only there to clean the windows.

Wordplay Joke

I've just got myself a HTC android.
It's nowhere near as good as my C-3PO.