Wordplay Joke

I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, 'I read somewhere'

Wordplay Joke

I recently split up with my girlfriend after she got a job as a roofer.
She's become high maintenance.

Wordplay Joke

I told a Tulisa joke in the pub last night to all my mates, but it didn't go down very well.

Wordplay Joke

My wife's got a bikini body.
It's currently in two pieces.

Wordplay Joke

Ghastly little blood-suckers that make a dreadfully annoying noise and spread diseases...
Yes, I can see why the mosquito was named after the diminutive form of a mosque.

Wordplay Joke

I recently dislocated my hip playing rugby, and when i went to the hospital the doctor told me he would have to do some complicated and extensive surgery to fix the problem. But it turns out he was just pulling my leg

Wordplay Joke

I went on a date with a simile.
I dunno what I metaphor

Wordplay Joke

A policeman pulled me over last night.
I hate losing at tug of war.

Wordplay Joke

I was always the coolest kid in my school.
My mum couldn't afford to buy me clothes.

Wordplay Joke

I call my girlfriend 'The Skip'.
Because everyone on the estate has put their junk in her.

Wordplay Joke

I'm hard at work! Hopefully my boss doesn't notice my erection

Wordplay Joke

I was told the other day that I had an IQ of only 75.
I took a dim view of that.

Wordplay Joke

I went to the dentist last night and she said "Your teeth look pretty good, no tartar".
I said "Well there wouldn't be, I haven't had fish for ages".

Wordplay Joke

I went to the dentist last night and she said "Your teeth look pretty good, no tartar".
I said "Well there wouldn't be, I haven't had fish for ages".

Wordplay Joke

Its not an optical illusion.
It just looks like one.

Wordplay Joke

My wife couldn't come to terms with the death of her poodle and asked me to show some sympathy.
I thought,"Stuff it."

Wordplay Joke

All day today I've been in the park flashing at kids
I love my new camera

Wordplay Joke

My mate has started abseiling naked for charity.
I don't think I could ever lower myself like that.

Wordplay Joke

I nearly bought a hill today but it was a bit too steep

Wordplay Joke

I got a big rock set into my girlfriends engagement ring.
She wasn't impressed, she was expecting a diamond.

Wordplay Joke

After a big meal my wife said ''How about eating the ice-cream I got in the freezer?''
I said ''I'd prefer to eat it here''

Wordplay Joke

My neighbour came round and said "Could I have my son's ball back please?"
"I told him on more than one occasion that if he continues to kick his football in my back garden, I'd chop it off, so no." I replied.

Wordplay Joke

I would make up a joke about herbs, but now's not the thyme.

Wordplay Joke

I would make up a joke about herbs, but now's not the thyme.

Wordplay Joke

I've invented a new camouflage material to make empty ships look like they are covered with seamen, it's called bukhaki