I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

A salesman asked me, "What are you looking for in a car?"
I said, "It has to be affordable"
He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Ibble."

Chelsea star, Florent Malouda, has been quoted as saying that blacks and whites are perfectly equal and that blacks are not to blame for the London riots.
Typical beliefs for a left-winger really.

My wife told me not to come in her mouth.
I gave her a right earful.

I know this guy who hangs round on the corners of maps. Legend.

Thousands of Blackberrys have crashed.
I bet that caused a jam.

As I stood on the tube this morning I thought to myself,
"My pringles are getting crushed"

I do not have an OCD over tidiness.
I just wanted to clear that up.

For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.
Drum roll, please.

I put my chips on the table knowing that she was about to fold.
She said, "Move your dinner whilst I sort these clothes out."

Exercise programme:
Take one Weetabix.
Take an Aero chocolate bar.
Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix.
Voila. Aerobix.

Etc.
A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Threw a penny down a well today and made a wish.
I wish....the police don't look for Penny down this well.

What did the brown tooth say to the white tooth?
'Iz it 'coz I iz plaque?'

Woke up this morning and my joints were really stiff.
I've only got myself to blame: I rolled them far too thick.

My Korean mate was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner.
But someone let the cat out of the bag.

Barbie has an awful lot of nice mini skirts for a girl whose knees don't bend.

My sister had a baby boy and she's gonna name him Mark, but with a "C".
Cark.

The wife served me my dinner last night.
I've been cleaning mashed potato out the racket strings all morning.

Apparently 80% of people who have cosmetic surgery are disappointed by the results.
Which is a bit odd, because most of them look pleasantly surprised.

You can't just be cremated, you have to urn it.

I bought a Christmas tree that was far too big to get in the car, so we had to cut the top off.
Didn't really mind, I've always wanted a convertible.

To Err is human
To Arrrr is Pirate.

I've put in so many shifts where I work recently that they've decided to fire me.
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as it looks.

Mein Kampf.
Contains "Adolf humour"