My recent trip to France did nothing to shake their reputation as cowardly surrender monkeys.
I was only trying to be nice - smiling, holding open doors and minding my manners - but all they ever did was beg for mercy.
Note to self: I need to stop talking to myself.
What's the Big Issue with homeless people?
Pirate cheerleaders have it easy.
"Give me an R!"...
This random guy came up to me in the street and said, "Hey, brother from another mother!"
It was charming but, nevertheless, a cruel way to find out that I'm adopted.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Saw a really bright star tonight. My wife said it was called the Dog Star. I thought "can't be Sirius".
If you're not part of the solution...you're either a solid or a gas.
Or you're part of the precipitate.
I have an addiction to Cheddar cheese.
Although it's only mild.
I asked the bloke at the garage how much I owed him for a new tyre he fitted for me today.
He said, "Just give me a score mate".
So I replied, "Man Utd won 3-0 at the weekend". And drove off.
In an effort to defeat Superman, I've joined a Los Angeles street gang.
Superman won't stand a chance once I turn into a Crip tonight.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
Jimmy: "Can I ask you a question?"
Ted: "Sure, what is it?"
Jimmy: "It's an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge."
I've been seeing someone behind my girlfriend's back.
I think she's got a stalker.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
I sold someone some cannabis the other day. When he handed over his money, I asked, "anything else?"
He said, "an' a gram of cocaine please mate"
I paused for a minute before saying with uncertainty... "Oceanic?"
Two hours ago I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper. He's still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it.
All the good puns about the periodic table argon.
If I was in the Real IRA, I'd move to Spain and start a football club.
I've just made some serious money.
I took a fiver and drew a furrowed brow on the Queen.
I'm going to open up a pub exclusively for rapists, and name it 'The Fawcett Inn'
I always get my nan bread from the kebab shop...
I don't know why, she's been dead thirty years.
I remember when my parents died, all they left me was a globe. It meant the world to me....
A female police officer used a taser gun on me yesterday.
She was stunning.
I just knew I was going to get thrown out of the optimism society.