Wordplay Joke

My recent trip to France did nothing to shake their reputation as cowardly surrender monkeys.
I was only trying to be nice - smiling, holding open doors and minding my manners - but all they ever did was beg for mercy.

Wordplay Joke

Note to self: I need to stop talking to myself.

Wordplay Joke

What's the Big Issue with homeless people?

Wordplay Joke

Pirate cheerleaders have it easy.
"Give me an R!"...

Wordplay Joke

This random guy came up to me in the street and said, "Hey, brother from another mother!"
It was charming but, nevertheless, a cruel way to find out that I'm adopted.

Wordplay Joke

I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.

Wordplay Joke

Saw a really bright star tonight. My wife said it was called the Dog Star. I thought "can't be Sirius".

Wordplay Joke

If you're not part of the solution...you're either a solid or a gas.
-
Or you're part of the precipitate.
---
How sublime

Wordplay Joke

I have an addiction to Cheddar cheese.
Although it's only mild.

Wordplay Joke

I asked the bloke at the garage how much I owed him for a new tyre he fitted for me today.
He said, "Just give me a score mate".
So I replied, "Man Utd won 3-0 at the weekend". And drove off.

Wordplay Joke

In an effort to defeat Superman, I've joined a Los Angeles street gang.
Superman won't stand a chance once I turn into a Crip tonight.

Wordplay Joke

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Wordplay Joke

Jimmy: "Can I ask you a question?"
Ted: "Sure, what is it?"
Jimmy: "It's an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge."

Wordplay Joke

I've been seeing someone behind my girlfriend's back.
I think she's got a stalker.

Wordplay Joke

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

Wordplay Joke

I sold someone some cannabis the other day. When he handed over his money, I asked, "anything else?"
He said, "an' a gram of cocaine please mate"
I paused for a minute before saying with uncertainty... "Oceanic?"

Wordplay Joke

Two hours ago I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper. He's still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it.

Wordplay Joke

All the good puns about the periodic table argon.

Wordplay Joke

If I was in the Real IRA, I'd move to Spain and start a football club.

Wordplay Joke

I've just made some serious money.
I took a fiver and drew a furrowed brow on the Queen.

Wordplay Joke

I'm going to open up a pub exclusively for rapists, and name it 'The Fawcett Inn'

Wordplay Joke

I always get my nan bread from the kebab shop...
I don't know why, she's been dead thirty years.

Wordplay Joke

I remember when my parents died, all they left me was a globe. It meant the world to me....

Wordplay Joke

A female police officer used a taser gun on me yesterday.
She was stunning.

Wordplay Joke

I just knew I was going to get thrown out of the optimism society.