I'm turning rastafarian, but i'm worried about the stress it will put on my hair...
I'm dreading it.

Drinking with a speech impediment?
It's whisky business.

I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through.
One formal complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym.

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.
Up

I asked my girlfriend if I could give her one, she said 'Sure, be my guest'.
So I gave her 0.2 instead.

I'm going everywhere in a giant hamster ball.
That's how I roll.

I lost a boy called Simon who I was babysitting for. When his mum came home she asked, "Where's Si gone?"
"Vietnam," I said, tongue in cheek.
I realise now that there is a time and place for geography puns.

For London Fashion Week, they decided to cover the London Eye in camouflage.
I couldn't see the attraction.

A man goes home to his wife and shows her his latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest.
"You've really Excelled yourself this time!" she says.

I've been engaged quite a few times, but never had the heart to get married.
There's been quite a few near Mrs.

Tell you what floats my boat.
Water.

My girlfriend ended up with two black-eyes last night.
I can't believe she fell for the old boot polish on the binoculars trick.

My wife said she is getting fed up of me jumping to ridiculous conclusions.
Which is why she will probably leave me and run off with a milkman.

I work with a guy called Mick Pratt, but most people just call him Prat.
They're clearly taking the Mick out of his name.

Does anyone else want to meet a police officer with the last name World?

If I was fighting the rock in wwf wrestling, I would take a piece of lined A4 with me into the ring.
Everybody knows that paper beats rock.

I went to pick up my photos today.
The bloke said, "Sorry Sir, we can't give them to you, they're not fully developed."
I panicked and said, "Those are my nieces, it's not what you think."

I'm so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.
I'm living on borrowed thyme.

Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:
"MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed"

What do houseflies and Mac users have in common?
Neither of them understand how Windows work.

I'm a firm believer in black power.
That's why I've swapped my farm machinery for some slaves.

Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

What gets wetter the more it dries?
A woman who really enjoys drying things.

I've just had 40 winks on the train...
I knew I shouldn't have worn this pink t-shirt.

If I had a penny for every time someone gave me their dog to look after, I'd have a pound.