I've just been caught trying to smuggle twelve cases of fortified wine in to the country,
I'm worried I might be deported.
I was in the supermarket earlier today looking to buy some salted peanuts, but all they had was unsalted.
I mean, thats just plain nuts.
What do you mean masturbation is a sin?
I do it once a day religiously
I had to go to court for illegally gambling with luggage.
I won my case.
I'm always thinking one step ahead.
Sort of like a carpenter.
That makes stairs.
Last night I broke into 9 houses and destroyed all their kitchen roll...
Say what you want about me but you have to respect my skills as a Bounty Hunter...
When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me.
I was the victim of bullion.
Man is not an Island.
Yes it is.
This weather is brilliant.
I much prefer it to this whether.
My new job is going well as a settee tester
I thought i'd have a few problems settling in, but sofa so good.
I saw this car driving towards a pigeon when all of a sudden it flew away.
I thought, "That's a weird thing for a car to do."
All these teenagers around the UK calling themselves 'The Swindon Crew' or 'The Stoke Crew'.
Anyone spared a thought for the poor lads in Crewe?
My wife's just put the kettle on.
She has some very strange costumes.
My granddad downed a German bomber in WW2.
They had some crazy names for drinks in those days.
I accidently put my phone in the fridge yesterday.
Been getting cold calls ever since.
For sail: wind
A report claims that 1 in 10 Women wear dirty knickers.
Not sure I believe that statistic. Smells a bit fishy to me.
I've written a book about all the exam results of the Ireland goalkeeper.
It's called 50 Grades of Shay.
My wireless internet recently got kidnapped
We had a strong connection but I have no lead to go on
I tried to build a house out of walnuts, but it turns out you also need floornuts and roofnuts
What is the definition of propaganda.
It's a male goose with good etiquette.
"Hundreds Attend Trainer's Funeral"
That must have been one comfy shoe.
The BBC are making a programme where you can cash in on marijuana that you grow yourself, at various back street cannabis factories around the UK.
Hash in the Attic.
Nothing worse than doing a long shift then realising there's a Caps Lock.
What are the odds of me landing on a question mark in Monopoly?
Well, considering I never play the game, no Chance.