Wordplay Joke

I've just been caught trying to smuggle twelve cases of fortified wine in to the country,
I'm worried I might be deported.

Wordplay Joke

I was in the supermarket earlier today looking to buy some salted peanuts, but all they had was unsalted.
I mean, thats just plain nuts.

Wordplay Joke

What do you mean masturbation is a sin?
I do it once a day religiously

Wordplay Joke

I had to go to court for illegally gambling with luggage.
I won my case.

Wordplay Joke

I'm always thinking one step ahead.
Sort of like a carpenter.
That makes stairs.

Wordplay Joke

Last night I broke into 9 houses and destroyed all their kitchen roll...
Say what you want about me but you have to respect my skills as a Bounty Hunter...

Wordplay Joke

When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me.
I was the victim of bullion.

Wordplay Joke

Man is not an Island.
Yes it is.

Wordplay Joke

This weather is brilliant.
I much prefer it to this whether.

Wordplay Joke

My new job is going well as a settee tester
I thought i'd have a few problems settling in, but sofa so good.

Wordplay Joke

I saw this car driving towards a pigeon when all of a sudden it flew away.
I thought, "That's a weird thing for a car to do."

Wordplay Joke

All these teenagers around the UK calling themselves 'The Swindon Crew' or 'The Stoke Crew'.
Anyone spared a thought for the poor lads in Crewe?

Wordplay Joke

My wife's just put the kettle on.
She has some very strange costumes.

Wordplay Joke

My granddad downed a German bomber in WW2.
They had some crazy names for drinks in those days.

Wordplay Joke

I accidently put my phone in the fridge yesterday.
Been getting cold calls ever since.

Wordplay Joke

For sail: wind

Wordplay Joke

A report claims that 1 in 10 Women wear dirty knickers.
Not sure I believe that statistic. Smells a bit fishy to me.

Wordplay Joke

I've written a book about all the exam results of the Ireland goalkeeper.
It's called 50 Grades of Shay.

Wordplay Joke

My wireless internet recently got kidnapped
We had a strong connection but I have no lead to go on

Wordplay Joke

I tried to build a house out of walnuts, but it turns out you also need floornuts and roofnuts

Wordplay Joke

What is the definition of propaganda.
It's a male goose with good etiquette.

Wordplay Joke

American News:
"Hundreds Attend Trainer's Funeral"
That must have been one comfy shoe.

Wordplay Joke

The BBC are making a programme where you can cash in on marijuana that you grow yourself, at various back street cannabis factories around the UK.
Hash in the Attic.

Wordplay Joke

Nothing worse than doing a long shift then realising there's a Caps Lock.

Wordplay Joke

What are the odds of me landing on a question mark in Monopoly?
Well, considering I never play the game, no Chance.