I am a master of subtlety, but not many people realise that.
My grandad was a fantastic golfer.
His dying wish was to be buried under our local shop.
He's now 6 under Spar.
Beach Volleyball is a team sport.
But I prefer to play with myself.
My girlfriend wrote to me saying she breaking up with me and now living in the capital of the province of Burgundy.
It was a Dijon letter.
If you sleep with a dead black girl, is it Negrophelia?
I woke last night to find a shadowy figure looming over me.
It turns out that the previous tenant, who died here, was a weaver.
My mate's cat was stolen, skinned and made into a school bag.
He's coming to terms with it.
She came. She's sore. I conquered.
I've been stuck in hospital for a month since a mole removal.
In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have used dynamite in my back garden.
Police were called to Carrow Road late on Friday night.
They have arrested Delia Smith for firing a Gunn Randomly
To all those people needing organ donors - my heart goes out to you,
nah, it doesn't...
The parents at my daughters school have complained because I pick her up every day wearing just my trunks.
Now everyone reckons Im some kind of Speedophile.
Statistically taller people sleep longer in bed.
My mate is an archaelogist and on a recent dig he found what he thought was the tip of a spear, but some of his colleagues were unsure.
He explained it though, and to be fair, he did have a point.
When I hear a newsreader mention the West Bank, I can't help giggling because in my mind I swap the W and the B around.
When I worked at the morgue we sometimes used to gamble for body parts.
It was all fun and games until somebody lost an eye.
I hope we don't get the Euro over here, it just wouldn't sound right.
Imagine going into the butchers and asking for 'a Euro of sausages.'
I was excited to hear my mates had organised a weekend of parachuting but it was a big disappointment.
I thought we were going to be hunting crippled athletes.
Banter = Legal Racism
I've just bought an after eight bar for only 30p in Tesco.
It was mint.
I've been visiting an alternative doctor for my erectile dysfunction, but I found out the other day he was a fraud. I was going to sue him, and thought I had a pretty good case, but my lawyer said I'd never get it to stand up in court.
I took my new girlfriend to an exhibition at the Tate, She pointed to a pot and said "That's an Imported Mycenaean stirrup vase found in the acropolis of Ras Shamra"
I thought "That's an arty fact"
I went to the doctors today and said, "My leg keeps talking to me and asking me to lend it money."
The doctor replied, "I think your leg is broke."
No Katy Perry, he's not an alien, just black
The bloke who's just moved in next door is half Kenyan.