Wordplay Joke

It's hard to say how much I love my family.
That's throat cancer for you.

Wordplay Joke

The other day a mate of mine hit me with a chocolate bar.
How dairy.

Wordplay Joke

A guy was arrested for groping a hotel receptionist. In court, his defence was: "When I arrived there, I drove through a gate marked ENTER, walked through a door saying PUSH, came to a desk with a bell that said PRESS and met a woman wearing a badge that said PAT."

Wordplay Joke

I went house hunting at the weekend. I went to see one house that had mirrors all over the walls.
I thought, "I can see myself living here."

Wordplay Joke

I have no beef with vegetarians.

Wordplay Joke

My oldest approached me today and told me he was feeling suicidal.
I said, "Hang in there, son," and pointed to the spare room.

Wordplay Joke

If you cut a glow-worm's tail off, would it be delighted?

Wordplay Joke

I told my Chinese mate that I bought very cheap cigarettes that were shipped in from a foreign country.
He said, "Is that Regal?"

Wordplay Joke

I've bought a device that makes my wife come every time.
It's a retractable lead.

Wordplay Joke

At any time, the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a completely shaven black person?
A smooth criminal.

Wordplay Joke

If you were lost in fog, would you be mist?

Wordplay Joke

Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds.
She's very tidy downstairs though.

Wordplay Joke

HMV to close sixty stores.
Is this the Vinyl Countdown?

Wordplay Joke

I took a girl home from a club last night. As soon as we got inside the front door she was all over me like a rash, kissing me all over and rubbing her hands over my body. Leaning her mouth to my ear I could feel her hot breath as she whispered, "Time to show me how hard you really are."
Quick as a flash I punched her to the ground and kicked her teeth out.

Wordplay Joke

I've got a fear of two-letter words.
I get scared just thinking about it.

Wordplay Joke

Sticks and stones may break my bones.
Because I have Osteoporosis.

Wordplay Joke

I bought some biscuits yesterday, on the packet it said, "Store in a cool place."
So I mailed them to Samuel L. Jackson's house.

Wordplay Joke

I was walking into my local pub, when I suddenly realised it was darts night.
So I did a 180 and left.

Wordplay Joke

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.
It's on its last legs now.

Wordplay Joke

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away...
or is it just one of Granny's myths?

Wordplay Joke

9 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas.
I know, I pulled them off my cat and it's never been the same since.

Wordplay Joke

Anyone who's ever experienced Tesco should know that their famous slogan "Every little helps" is much more appropriate when you remove the first and last letters...

Wordplay Joke

John works for the AA.
His wife's just left him.
He got mugged on the way back from the pub.
His house has just been burgled.
He's heading for a breakdown.

Wordplay Joke

I for one...
...but that's Roman numerals for you.