Wordplay Joke

I was just chatting with my aunt on my mother's side.
They're conjoined twins.

Wordplay Joke

I'd never hit a child with a keyboard.
But I'd like to Ctrl and F1.

Wordplay Joke

Whenever anybody asks what I do. I tell them I'm a Thai boxer, to make myself sound hard.
Sounds better than telling them I pack men's neckwear in a warehouse.

Wordplay Joke

I've just bought a shire horse.
As if my other horse wasn't shy enough

Wordplay Joke

My mate swears that he dreams in colour.
I say it's just a pigment of his imagination.

Wordplay Joke

I came home from work early today and caught my wife in bed with another bloke. I was angry but I refrained from going ballistic.
I opted for a melee weapon instead.

Wordplay Joke

Wish I hadn't bought a house in Grimsby.
Neighbours from Hull.

Wordplay Joke

Ah...The irony of playing a game of chess against your Czech mate

Wordplay Joke

If someone asks you to spell "Part A" backwards, don't do it.
It's a trap......

Wordplay Joke

If guns don't kill people, people kill people -
Does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toasts toast?

Wordplay Joke

I remember when the policeman asked me if I was going to come quietly.
I said, "I'll try, but those handcuffs really excite me."

Wordplay Joke

Police in Oswestry have arrested a man outside a pub after he was heard to say "I could murder a couple of Fosters"

Wordplay Joke

I rang SeaWorld the other day, because I wanted some information. Before I got through to an employee, I got a tape telling me "This call may be recorded for training porpoises."

Wordplay Joke

I went to see a counsellor. I told him, "I feel really angro, very encshus, and I'm parinod."
"Sounds like you have trouble expressing your emotions," he told me.

Wordplay Joke

"On 05/04, we tried to cast out a demon, but you weren't home."
- The Fed Exorcist

Wordplay Joke

A doctor removed my appendix the other day.
Apparently I shouldn't have been reading in his office.

Wordplay Joke

It's hard to explain how good my ability to describe things is.

Wordplay Joke

I only buy British soil.
I don't like any of that foreign muck.

Wordplay Joke

I'm completely addicted to eating skittles.
Which is probably why I'm banned from all the bowling alleys in town.

Wordplay Joke

I've just thrown a washing machine at my wife...
Bosch.

Wordplay Joke

school kids hurt in ventilation collapse ( should have duct )

Wordplay Joke

A friend of mine asked me to be usher at his wedding last week.
But when I blacked up, stripped off my shirt and sang R&B, he wasn't very happy.

Wordplay Joke

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory. The manager asks, "Have you worked with chemicals before?"
Paddy replies, "Yes."
The manager then asks, "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"
Paddy replies, "Yes, it's time and a half."

Wordplay Joke

I've got a blind date tonight with this girl who is 78.8 inches tall,
I can't wait two metre.

Wordplay Joke

My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.
She's inflatable.