Wordplay Joke

I've been looking into the pros and cons of optical laser surgery.
It's been a real eye opener.

Wordplay Joke

I don't know what defeat means. I'm not hard, just really stupid.

Wordplay Joke

Just paid for a new set of hubcaps, just so I can tell my mates I've had a rimjob.
I may be a lot of things, but I am not a liar.

Wordplay Joke

I'm going to take advantage of my woodland this weekend, and do some camping with the lads.
We're not drinking though, We want to get to 3rd prestige.

Wordplay Joke

I wish I could see Muslim women's necks.
Sorry, my English is not good. What I mean to say is, I wish I could saw Muslim women's necks.

Wordplay Joke

I went to a pole dancing club last night.
Unfortunately, it was just Peter Crouch doing the robot.

Wordplay Joke

Things are really going to be rocking in my house tonight
One of the legs has fallen off the dining room table.

Wordplay Joke

A bloke came up to me in the street today and threw a jigsaw at me for no reason whatsoever.
I was puzzled.

Wordplay Joke

From now on, i'm going to be totally ruthless.
I hope it doesn't rain though.

Wordplay Joke

A man with no soul leaves no footprints.

Wordplay Joke

Not many people can reach my high standards. I keep them on the roof of my castle.

Wordplay Joke

Just been to a secret meeting of revolutionary librarians.
It was all very hush hush.

Wordplay Joke

I used to sit on the dubious goals panel.
One guy told us his ambition was to have the world's largest collection of children's shoes.

Wordplay Joke

I decided to try a new method of attempting to kill my wife by using a knife and fork.
I ended up making a meal of it.

Wordplay Joke

It was ten years to this day my son Lancelot died in a horrible riding accident.
I'll never forget that knight.

Wordplay Joke

Why did the H blow himself up?
Because the G had.

Wordplay Joke

I've started up a tribute internet band, the Black IP's.

Wordplay Joke

Just got back from my mates 'Mars' themed fancy dress party.
Lacked Atmosphere.

Wordplay Joke

My grandad was in Africa during WWII, he was a chef. He wasn't the bravest of men and when Rommels men attacked his base, my grandad fled his post leaving a souffle on the stove. The souffle caught fire, burning the whole camp to the ground.
He was eventually charged with "Deserting a dessert in the desert".

Wordplay Joke

I ordered a pair of Italian loafers off the Internet the other day.
Imagine my surprise when two student stoners named Giuseppe and Tony turned up a few days later.

Wordplay Joke

I'm an idiot. I just bought one of those bags for life.
Wasn't until I got home that I remembered I don't have a life.

Wordplay Joke

I went up to my neighbours oak tree the other day and asked it how it was doing?
The oak just kept on saying "I'm Fine, I'm Fine" over and over again....
I guess his tree repeats itself.

Wordplay Joke

50% of British adults have never been for an eye test.
They don't know what they're missing.

Wordplay Joke

I'm refusing to let my wife shave.
She's going ape.

Wordplay Joke

All play and no work makes Jack a dole boy.