If Nick Griffin was a proper "Right Winger" he would be playing for England instead of Sean Wright Phillips

My missus sent me to the newsagents for an 'OK' Magazine...
I came back with a sticky Playboy. I asked, "Is this OK?"

David Cameron said today that sudden infant death syndrome, or cot death, is an issue that needs addressing.
May I suggest Thousand Island or possibly just a simple, delicate vinaigrette? Matter of taste really.

I was out driving with my dog yesterday, when I thought to myself;
"Nah, you really don't get the same range you do with an actual golf club."

My grandad came back from the war with one leg.
He never found out whose it was though.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I walked up to the cheese counter in Asda last week.
I interrupted him and he had to start again.

As they say in France, one man's fish is another man's poisson.

The fourth Batman film is being made in Denver.
Shooting began earlier.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I just watched Nemo backwards and it made no sense at all.
I think that's an Omen.

Left
Theres something not right about that.

I was on my way to work this morning when I saw a pheasant, a grouse and a partridge all dressed up as clowns.
I thought to myself, "They're game for a laugh."

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

What's blue, has three feet and kills hundreds of children a year?
A metre of water.

My therapist isn't being very supportive because she thinks I'm never going to be able to stop exposing myself to women.
Well I'll show her.

I answered the door yesterday to a scientist asking my opinions on scientists taking tissue samples from the brain.
I gave him a piece of my mind...

My wife drove me to drink... well a lift to the pub anyway.

On reflection, vampires aren't that scary.

I went on a fishing trip last weekend.
I caught a huge multicoloured fire-breathing whale.

I'm going to give my son a new lead for his pet puppy this Christmas,
I'll tell him he's buried alive somewhere in the left side of the garden.

Time flies when you throw clocks.

Everything is easier said than done.
Except procrastination.

I went to the hospital with apendicitis and the nurse said, "You need to see the doctor in that room, Dr Macheem."
"Which doctor?"
"Just because he's black doesn't mean he's primitive, any more racist comments and we shall not treat you."

I recently wrote an essay on the "Communist Manifesto".
Unfortunately I didn't really understand the topic, so I got no Marx.